Radiance: FiveMature

(In the dark, when you can’t see me, you’ll feel me and know I’m there.)


The click of the pen broke through the silence. I linked heavily, staring at the dark haired man. An ocean of deep mahogany separated us, littered with islands of paperwork and manila folders. "Hello, Ryan," he said, attempting to be chipper. Mostly he just looked tired, all deep circles and heavy eyes. "How are you doing today?" He worded it as if I had a disease. Maybe I did.

"I’m fine," I answered tersely.

The doctor sighed. "That’s good." He was dodging whatever he truly wanted to talk about. I knew how he operated, probably better than most people in here. Like every time I was forced to speak with him, he asked me about my meds, about sleep and group sessions and just existing in general. I told him what he wanted to hear as opposed to the truth. The truth had never set anyone free, and I was more than ready to rid myself of this dungeon.

At last he asked me the dreaded question: "Would you like to talk about her today?"

I refused to look at him, moving my gaze past him to the big window that dominated most of the wall. Even still, I barely registered the prim lawn and flowering bushes. What I saw was something else entirely, something no one else could even imagine. I had to close my eyes to try and block her out, tensing up in fear and hope that she would appear at any moment. But the office remained calm, serene. The greatest deception of all.

The doctor repeated my name, gently but desperately urging me on. From the beginning he’d said that until I could accept what had happened, I would never be revived.

When the emotion had gathered itself up into crystalline tears, I didn’t try to stop them from falling. Falling, streaming, like rain…it had been raining that night.

"Tell him what happened, baby."

Grinding my teeth, I glanced from the corner of my eye. She sat on the edge of his desk, feet dangling in their well-worn Converse, shoulders slumped. She was watching me with her head tilted and an expression so filled with pain it seeped all into the room. Waiting for me to reply, but I couldn’t. not here, with the doctor watching me so fiercely, analyzing how close I was to the doors.

She slid off the desk with a sigh, coming towards me, demuringly leaning down so her face was right before my own. "Tell him how you put the gun to my head."

I shook my head violently, turning away from her. "I didn’t kill you," I whispered, loathing how very fragmented I sounded.

"Ryan," the doctor called, trying to bring me out of the daytime nightmare. But of course he couldn’t make her go. He couldn’t and I couldn’t and no goddamn pill could either. She was real; she was there. And she wasn’t going to leave.

"Tell him how you kissed me first." Her voice had risen a few octaves, bordering on cries of hysterics. "How you told me we’d be together."

I brought my hands up to cover my ears. Even that could not block out her words. They rang both through the stale air and in my own mind, sending my body into a fit of shakes. The doctor dropped his pen and lifted the phone, barking commands I didn’t hear. All the while she was pressed against me, drawing memories upon my skin with her fingertips. She leaned down and let her lips touch my own in a sweet, slow kiss. Then she spoke, though I felt the words more than I heard them. "You killed me."

And everything fell away.

The End

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