Recently I have been finding myself seeking answers to questions I am looking for, and when I think I have found them; they are never what I expect them to be.
Darkness surrounds me.
In every direction I look, it is there; consuming everything and anything like a ravenous beast, determined to make sure no light survives.
I stand in an small opening in the forest - the trees circle me and tower above me, giants of the woodland forest, the guardians of the wildlife.
And yet, despite towering above me so high, even they themselves cannot reach high enough to touch the heaven above them, grounded by mother earth beneath them.
The cold, working with the darkness as partner in crime, wraps itself around me, holds me tight to it, so I can feel its cold icy breathe on the nape of my neck. I shudder as the cold reaches down to my bones, piercing my skin - even my coat does little to protect me from it.
The snow, fresh from the morning and freshly laid, crunches beneath my feet as I walk slowly amongst the giants of the forest; trying not to wake them up from their slumber, as they gently sway in the midnight breeze. Coldness still follows me, stalks me like its prey, and I feel its presence all too well.
Only the light from the shining stars above me help me navigate towards my destination. They cannot be extinguished from the darkness as they are old, they are already dead; what is the worth in pursuing something that does not exist anymore? But they still taunt the darkness, tease it and jest with it, for they know darkness can do nothing to them.
Why do I seek something that has long gone? Why do I seek answers to questions that were not asked?
I ask myself as I walk through the forest, hoping the giants might help me - guide me in the right direction; but they are just guardians, not scholars or philosophers.
Sadness takes over from the cold, pushing it out of the way - a welcome relief as it numbs me from the grips of coldness. I wonder if sadness is protecting me from the cold, or numbing me from the pain and guilt from within me; either way, I feel nothing and I welcome it.
And all the while I hear nothing.
Do I close myself off to the outside world on purpose? To escape the reality of life that I face every day?
Step-by-step I take, the fresh snow crunches under my feet. The stars still hang in the midnight sky and I have no answers to the questions I seek.
I stop and stand where I am; silence wades in as the giants continue to sigh and moan, but it appears eventually.
Here I stand, and there silence is; a mutual understanding between us.
I slowly close my eyes and allow the cold and darkness and the silence take me.
I have no care where I go; I give up seeking the answers to my questions, I give up finding my destination - it exists, but not here...
The sound of the alarm clock rings through my ears - the light of day penetrates through the curtains and slowly I wake up; back in my life, back to a place where I know the answers to my questions, where I know I am heading.
But then what if it is all a lie, and I can't find find my answers I am looking for here?