Seth and Brice dropped me back off at my house. They wished me good luck and then drove off. I turned to face my house and took in a deep breath. As I let it out, I told myself I can do this! There's nothing to it! This is what you've been asking for! I walked towards my house, head held high, and entered.
"Audrey? In here," called my mom, sounding tired.
This is it! You're going to find out who your father is! I thought, becoming excited. My heart pounded in my chest as I entered the family room.
My mom was sitting on the couch covered in a thick woolen blanket. She looked sad, but slightly relieved. Something about the way she was upset made me a little nervous.
I sat down next to her and smiled assuring her I was still up for this. There was nothing more that I wanted than this.
"Audrey, you know that I was young when I had you. Well your father and I aren't and never were married. It wasn't some fling that I had either," she paused and swallowed hard. "I was raped, Audrey, and you are the result of that."
No. That couldn't be right. I was the creation of some horrible unspeakable accident? I hadn't considered that I was a rape baby. That thought had been far from my mind, but now it was there and in my every pore.
"So I'm some horrible reminder of what happened to you?" I whispered, feeling a sickening pain in my stomach.
"No! You're my everything, Audrey! At first I didn't know if I wanted to have you. I know that sounds horrible, but when I thought about it some more, I knew I couldn't get an abortion. There was no way. So I decided to raise you. When you were first born, you looked like me. I was relieved," she explained, choking back tears. "But then as you grew up, I could see that you look like him. You resemble him just a little."
"Now you regret having me? Because I look like him?" I closed my eyes because the room was starting to spin.
"No! That's not what I meant! I still love you no matter who you look like. You're still my daughter."
I slowly opened my eyes and continued to stare ahead at nothing. "Do you know who he is?"
"Where is he? Do you know?"
She hesitated and then sighed. "He moved to Newport Beach after he was released from prison."
"What's his name? How did you know him?"
"His name is Theo. He was a boy that went to the same college as me. I liked him, but I wasn't willing to do the things he wanted then. When I refused again one night he raped me. I'd rather not go into details."
I took a moment to let all this information soak in. This was something huge. I hadn't expected this outcome. Rape was something I rarely thought about, but feared terribly. Knowing that I was a creation of something so vile made me feel like an abomination. Why had I been allowed to live and remind my mother of that horrible night. She could spare the details because I didn't want to know them at all. Those details could quite possibly ruin my life as well.
"I want to meet him," I stated without thinking. "I know what he did to you was wrong and I hate him already for what he did. Still, I want to meet my dad."
She sucked in a breath and held it for a second. Then she let it out in one long shuddering wind. "Alright. I'll contact him some how and ask that you be able to go and see him."
"What about you? You don't plan on going, do you?"
"No. I'm not sure if I trust you going to see him, but I think you can handle yourself."
I nodded and hugged her gently. "I'm so sorry that happened to you, mom. I would have never even guessed that that happened to you."
"Don't worry about it. Look, I have something I want you to read. I made a copy of my own statement from that night. Details and everything are in there. I know it's probably not something that you would like to read or hear, but I think that you should read this to better understand what your father might be like."
I nodded and took the envelope that she produced from her pocket. She then just turned on the television and watched a Lifetime movie. Quietly as possible, I exited the room. I went to the kitchen and made myself a cup of tea. The envelope in my hands had been opened and closed several times. Mom had obviously kept coming back to read this statement of hers.
The microwave dinged and I took my tea out and prepared it. Then I took it to my room where I shut the door and looked through my music. Which song would best suit this situation? That's how I did most important readings. I picked a song that would suit the situation perfectly or close to perfect. Then I found it. There laid my NeverShoutNever album. I put the CD in the crappy old boom-box I'd had since I was five. The song I wanted was near the middle of the CD, so I had to click the forward button several times before getting to the song "Losing It". Then I set it for replay and laid on my bed with my back against the head board. I sipped my tea and listened as the sad melody pour out of the speakers.