Professor MagnanimusMature

Professor Julius Magnanimus is a History teacher who, when not medicated, treats History like Hollywood does: adding his own approach to facts.

"Today, my dear students, we discuss World War Fifty-Two," Professor Julius Magnanimus said, his hands resting on top of his perfectly round stomach. "Which most History books call, would you believe it, World War One."

He laughed disdainfully. The students exchanged worried looks. Apparently Professor Magnanimus hadn't eaten any breakfast before arriving in the classroom. He was supposed to be on four different pills, all of which he adamantly refused to take, so his wife would crush the pills and sprinkle the resulting multi-colored Powder Of Reason on his pancakes. It kept the Professor somewhat grounded in reality; the worst he had ever done when medicated was to  teach them the Wars of Scottish Independence by having them watch "Braveheart".

But the gleam in the Professor's beady, delighted eyes indicated that, on that particular morning, he wanted facts for breakfast.

"As always," the Professor continued, "it all started to go badly because of the French. A French student called François Ferdinand killed Prince Gavrilo of Germany due to the high taxation of garlic. Yes, young man?"

Before speaking, the student who had raised his hand glanced briefly at his colleagues, who looked at him in a combination of "don't do iiiiiiit" and "oh, this is gonna be good."

"Er," the student said, "didn't Gavrilo Princip kill Franz Ferdinand, professor?"

"Prince Gavrilo, my boy. Of Germany," Professor Magnanimus smiled condescendingly. "And the correct pronounciation of François is Fff-han-suah, not Franzzzz." He wrote the name on the blackboard to further aid that hopelessly foolish soul.

"But Franz... François wasn't French," the student insisted.

"Only the French name their children François. This... is how you know they're French," the professor paused ominously. "Anyway! François, who to his credit hadn't suffered the typical French birth defect of being born without balls, shot Prince Gavrilo. So Germany declared war on France, who had the British as allies, a nation of monocle-wearing tea-drinking faggots since the end of the Hundred Years War."

"Professor," a student with a very annoyed British accent said, "I do not wear monocles nor drink tea."

The Professor raised his eyebrows. "But you are a faggot, then?"

"What? No!"

"Then stop talking like one. The letter R is not supposed to be pronounced like a fruity extended vowel, you must torrrrrrrturrrrrre it with your tongue. You'll get a girlfriend in no time this way."

"I already have a girlfriend."

"Does he know that's how you call him?"

"It's a woman."

"Have you ever given a woman an orgasm?"

"Um, yes, obviously --"

"Then you are a faggot, for straight men know women don't have orgasms," he paused for the collective female gasp. "Now, if we can go back to the French fucking things up with the help of the British -- yes, young lady?"

A woman had raised her hand, and if you looked really hard you could see smoke coming out of her ears. "If it's all the French and the British's fault, how do you explain America being on their side?" she said defiantly.

"Isn't it obvious? It was either supporting them or supporting Hitler."

As Professor Magnanimus proceeded to explain how America won the war by nuking China, the calmer students managed to keep the angrier ones from arguing with the teacher or, in the case of one particularly furious student, chewing his neck open.

The bell rang, and the Professor watched proudly as the class left his presence having been satisfingly fed with Knowledge.

Professor Julius Magnanimus sat behind his desk and waited for the next students, who were about to be enlightened with the history of the Roman Empire.





The End

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