I wanted him to do it, I wanted me to end. How could I not love him? How could I pretend? He watches me with tender eyes as he continued to stroke my cheek.
His hand passed by my mouth as he caressed my chin, but I bowed my head and kissed it, surprising even me. He froze just then, on the spot, and then the room filled with laughter. It was so fake, so prominently unconvincing. His voice was still shaking, and the sound was utterly disconcerting. I stared up at him, bewildered. For a moment I thought that he was crying.
"You don't have to do this." I whispered, pleading to his gun. "Just shoot me, now, and have it over. You won't be in trouble, not half as much trouble as you would be in if you -"
"Shut up!" he yelled, despair veiled his previously gentle expression.
I obeyed. But this gave him no comfort. He pulled away his gun and looked at it, lying across his palm. Then he turned away from me and paced away, towards the wall opposite. Each step matched each of my rapid, flailing heart beats.
He raised it once more, but this time I was scared, for this time it was pointing not at mine, but at his own head. Then he turned a little. 'Don't watch,' he said.
I gasped and struggled from the ropes binding me. I screamed and shouted until he turned his head around again.
He rolled down the safety lever and it complied obediently with a click. He watched the tears fill my eyes with sorrow as I continued to scream, but he would not listen. That sound was terrifying. More frightening than any I had ever heard.
He pressed it against his temple, and suddenly my cries fell silent. No more words would escape my swollen lips, but I bowed my head and sobbed into my stray hair. How could I have wished him death? How is it that once there was a time that I would not care?
I waited for the blow. My hands were sweating and my forehead felt wet. It felt hotter, thicker than sweat. Whatever it was, I felt it leak down the side of my face. I looked up at the back of his head, and then watched his hand shake. I continued to sob, I did not know how much more waiting I could take.