superinsanelydeepinthebottomofmyheartraw poem.

I miss you.

Who we were.

Laughing with you.

Smiling with you.

Talking to you.

You knew exactly what I wanted.

You could counter all my arguments,

And win. But in such a way where I don’t feel bad about myself.

I miss your smile. Your blue eyes.

Checking out hot guys

Taking pictures of the sun.

Walking til it gets dark

Acting drunk on the streets

Making fun of all the boys I liked.

Every time we talk now

I just long for what we had.

Safety, deliriousness.

Tripping over my humor.

I want us back,

Where we were the power friendship.

Everyone knew that we’ve always been together

We’ve always been friends

When one of us is mentioned, the other name trails behind.

Why did we have to fall apart?

I’m just so vulnerable now, without you.

I know I said I could live on my own.

No. these tears proved me wrong.

In the night I just wish you were here,

To talk about whatever’s on my mind

To make me smile, remember why I’m here.

All this … supposed talent that’s coming out of me,

Is because of you.

You set fire to this unspoken tree of wisdom inside me,

And out comes my words and images.

These flames wouldn’t have been doused by your soft storm.

And then I go to think of how long it’s been like that.

If it wasn’t for you, I’d just be raw and angry.

2127 days since we’ve known each other.

Five years, nine months, 28 days.

Recess, lunch, school, movies.

Football games, theater, photography.

Where did all that go?

I miss those Friday nights where we’d watch the stars

And share neopolitan ice cream.

We go over the week,

Teachers and boys and people.

I want that back.

I wish we were like all the other girls,

Who has their friends stay the night all the time

And post silly pictures and go places

I miss the crazy videos we made

Saying goodnight to you.

It’s just so heartbreaking to think how degrading I was to you

How I pushed you away, ignored you.

Played you. I thought I would never do that.

Specifically said I wouldn’t.

But I did, and I seriously regret that.

I couldn’t even look you in the eyes.

No one does that!

Why am I so stupid? Why would I let you go like that?

Why would I even consider treating you like that?

I just don’t know what to make of me anymore.

Am I a player to my friends?

Am I really as sweet as everyone calls me?

Because if they knew who I really was,

They’d change their minds in a snap.

I wish my selfishness would turn off

And my mask would switch back on.

One time I listened to this song,

And it was exactly how we should be.

It said we should just lay here,

And forget the world.

Can we still do that?

Forget the world?

The crazed, messed up, ridiculous world?

We don’t need anything, or anyone.

Just us.

I’m so weak, helpless, without you.

During those months where I disregarded you,

I couldn’t help but fall apart inside.

I shouldn’t have blamed you for anything.

Everything was my fault,

And I encouraged more fights.

You can’t control what happens to you,

To us.

One minute I had everything

The next minute we collapsed to nothing.

You’re the clock that keeps blinking,

The seconds roll by slowly but quickly.

For some reason I can’t explain

I just want this to be over with,

So the struggles and pressure can be done

But then I know we’d be gone,

And I can’t handle that. No.


We’re the fire and the rain,

Putting each other out when tempers strike,

When the thunder rumbles and the lightning hits our fuse.

We’re the waves and the land,

The hurricane and the tornado

Destructing what’s coming at us,

And never getting injured.

When did that stop?

I want our goodbye to be in three years,

Not now. Not when I need you.

I’m laying my heart on the line,

Will you take it once more?

And hold it so close that I can’t possibly run away?

I’ve finally found you, and one day

I nearly let you go.

Please don’t let us escape. Please.

Please forgive me. One of these days I’ll return.

I never wanted to leave you. Never.

But I did, and I hate myself for it.

I know I can be irritating and frustrating.

But that can change.

I’ll stop being so difficult and confusing,

I’ll stop being so bitter and jaded.

You saved me. Helped me survive this chaos.

A hero, they say. True hero.

For the longest time I thought you were the villain in this relationship.

I was wrong, sorely wrong. 

I just can’t believe it came down to this.

I certainly did not think we’d have ended up like that.

Mixed signals and miscommunications,

Were the poison of us.

Now when I think of the future,

I know you won’t be there permanently.

But at least I saw some of you.

At my wedding, seeing your godchildren.

But I don’t know what will happen in the near future,

High school and all.

Will we get through this?

Or will we falter like many cliché friendships,

Where they crumble because of different interests

And go their separate ways.

Can we follow the same path,

At least ‘til graduation?

It’s one in the morning, and

This piano plays all the tears I shed,

That were released in my heart

And my decision can’t be compared to any other in the universe.

You can be in my dreams again

You can be my best friend again.

We can be harmony and melody again.

I promise I won’t make another off key note again.

I’m not in love with you, but I love you.

I miss you.


The End

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