"I left multiple scenes of carnage left behind for your mother."
I was laying in the bath. Everything was quiet. Candles were flickering. I don't know what time it was but, you know me, I don't live life by a schedule if I can avoid it.
I knew what was coming behind that call. Even though my hearing is so bad for my age, I could hear it through the water, calling me...it's time Mike.
I sprang out of the bath like a puma. Not only did I knock over every single candle into the bath, but I tripped over Spiffet and my knee landed on his tail too!"
"Hey! Spiffet might be a bit of a fart-bag, but he has feelings you know."
*Esme giggles harder*
"Anyway, I was so anxious and sure of why someone was phoning me that I sprinted over to my wardrobe, slipped on and ripped my carpet- don't ask me how I did that- only to crash into the wardrobe door. "
"Esme laughs with the radiance of a thousand pixies*
"I knew I forgot to dry myself when I put my clothes on because it was only afterwards that I had made it look like I had peed my pants!"
"Stop it! You're making me laugh"
"What? You think I'm making this up? Listen to this, it gets worse. You know how Mrs McCreepy has got a weak chandelier?"
*Esme laughs again* Mrs McCreepy!
"Well I slammed the door so hard on my way out that I made the walls shake and I heard her chandelier fall from the ceiling!"
*She gasps* "You're in trouble!"
"I know that, but I had no time! I got into my car, raced across the streets, ran past two traffic cameras and guess what happened next?"
*Esme was visibly on the edge of her seat* "What! What?!"
*Her squeal of shock makes me smile* "Were you okay?!"
Well does it look like I'm okay now?
*she shakes her head slowly, reaches her hand into her pocket to grab a tissue and wipes a bit of the blood off my forehead.*
*I brush her cheek reassuringly*
"Anyway, I got out of my car and ran for three miles until I got to the hospital door. When I got to the reception I whipped out my fake police badge so that she wouldn't question why I was bleeding and she told me which room to go to. I knocked the paperwork out of two nurses' arms, just so that I could get into the delivery room on time."
*Esme giggles again* "You're so silly."
*I smile* "I know. Where would I be right now without my little ragamuffin eh?"
"And that's how you met my brother." Esme said proudly, summarising the story of five minutes ago like it was an age old story.
How did you know mummy was going to call him Chris?"
*I tap my nose with a knowing smile* "Some stories are best left secret. Besides, you're only five years old, and you already know all of the Disney stories off by heart, you've heard me tell you all of my stories at least three times each...before you know it you'll be the one making the stories."
And low and behold, she did.