A City trader recounts his glory days and his downhill slide into the poo...
"Picking up the ladies in the old days was easy."
"A trader in the Golden Mile was part of an elite club. The creme-de-la-creme of financiers, yeah ?! It gave you a reputation, and opened doors. It sometimes seemed like the City belonged to us ?!"
"When you spotted an elephant.. that was our code for a nine or ten… one of my favourite ploys was cracking open a case of Doms and offering a glass to everyone, like I owned the place and it was on the house."
"Classic, yeah ?! My mates would be cheering me, and if she had fellas with her, I made doubly sure they got some too, and they'd be slapping me on the back… I was da Man !!."
"Then, it was just a matter of letting her stew for a few minutes, wondering if she had pimples or something. Some of them even go to the toilet to check themselves out.. seriously! "
"Then, hey, suddenly I like notice her and I'm like… -how could I have missed you- and all that, yeah ?! Offer her a glass, and you're in. Classic. She's so relieved, she downs it in a minute. Keep pouring on the attention and the champagne."
"Champagne was definitely the key… you had to splash out the good stuff of course. But we had the mullah... practically printing it in them days. Yeah, schamp said and did everything that was needed… how could they refuse, yeah ?!"
"You did get the odd prune or two trying to play The Game… but that didn't get them very far. In the City, you played by our rules, yeah ?! Or you didn't play at all. They usually went home alone, the sad hags."
"Anyway, when it came time to put your bullet in the nellie... bagging time… that's what we called clinching the deal, yeah ?!… all I had to do was slide up to her, flash my perfectly lined veneers, and say"
"“I’ve been tested and it came back negative, but I have these anyway""
"And show her my box of Trojans. When you're the dogs bollocks, it's that easy to bag an elephant, yeah ?! A reputation, designer suit, champagne, a flash of gold, the women were easy. Often, I even got away without a glove. Know wot ahm sayn?"
"Those were the days, when we were gods… and the rest were mice."
"Of course then the bloody bubble burst. We all knew it had to happen sometime… thought we'd be smart enough to see it coming and retire like country gentlemen at the last minute. Our mate Peter called it quits and went to Stockholm. We were like"
"you dick headed country bumpkin"
"But he had a Swedish girlfriend. She was like that ABBA bird… the blonde one, you know the one, yeah ?! Very doable ! But still, Stockholm !? Know what I mean ?! Hell, I should have followed him, and got his girl to boot, yeah ?!
"It all happened so quickly, like a chocolate truffle, that has melts into a gooey puddle of poo on a hot summers day"