Police catch underwear thief

Following months of pursuitful pursuance, police finally tracked down and arrested a 43-year-old man in connection with the recent rash of underwear robberies.

“We found him in a man’s bedroom,” the lead officer in the arrest told newsmen and women. “A man’s bedroom that was not his own. He was, as you might have guessed, stealing underwear at the time.”

The man was taken immediately in to custody and all 13 pairs of underwear he was wearing at the time were confiscated and returned to their rightful owners except for the pair he was wearing against his skin.

“That woman didn’t want her underwear back,” the officer explained to the media. “It was a personal decision that we felt more comfortable not pursuing.”

Even so, the rest of the victims were happy to be reunited with their undergarments after months of separation riddled with anxiety.

“It was really stressful knowing that there was someone out there wearing underwear I bought for myself,” one victim said on the condition of anonymity. “They were brand new only worn once and I wanted to have the opportunity to wear them in. for them to be taken away from me at that point in the underwear wearing process really shook me up.”

Others were not quite as affected but were happy to have their garments returned to them.

“In the grand scheme of things I’ve had worse things happen than have panties stolen,” one young woman admitted when the police gave back her pair. “I’ve had parents die and boyfriends leave, and that had a greater long-term affect, but I guess it’s nice to be able to wear these again. I was going to have to buy a new pair in a week or two and now I can save the seven dollars.”

Next up will be the court appearance for the underwear bandit where attorneys will attempt to prove his guilt. Photographs of the man stealing one pair of underwear and wearing the 13 other pairs are expected to play a large role in helping them do so.

When convicted, the man faces up to six months of house arrest. Specifically, in a house filled only with his own underwear.

What happens after his sentence is up is anyone’s guess. But me, I’m looking my underwear drawer. Or buying really heavy chastity belts.

The End

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