Dark against the morning glare
A woman lights a smoking-flare.
Pressing the white stub to her lips,
She leans against the slatted siding
And rests her foot on an old porch chair.
Her mind wanders, her attention slips
 
And once more she is a little girl hiding
In the dark musky cellar while her sister
Counts down from ten.
Once more she cradles a broken doll
And shouts in tears at her brother.
 
And then she is back again
A woman stale and dry
Who doesn’t laugh and doesn’t cry
And stands alone out on her porch
To smoke and greet the dawn's approach.

__________________________________

Second Draft:

She stands, a stone and denim statue
One foot on a plastic porch chair pedestal
And the sun rises, grimy and red
A larger version of the glowing circle
She holds in the comfortable groove of her fingers.

Her hand rises, boney and wrinkled
And only the dullest of light
Reflects in her tired red eyes.
As the trees form a crooked silhouette
She remembers a morning years ago

When she stood, watching a Praying Mantis
Slowly, slowly move his limbs,
Performing the silent dance of dawn
Across the porch railing and the red sun
And she remembers the feeling of life in her blood.

Then she breathes in and forgets.
For she is stone now and stone
May remember but can not care.
Stone is only worn by the years
But does not wear them well, not well at all.

________________________________________

First Draft 

Dark against the morning glare

A woman lights a smoking-flare

And presses the white stub to her lips.

She leans against the slatted siding

And rests her foot on an old porch chair.

Her mind wanders, her attention slips

And once more she is a little girl hiding

In the dark musky cellar while her sister

Counts down from ten.

Once more she cradles a broken doll

And shouts in tears at her brother.

And then she is back again

A woman stale and dry

Who doesn’t laugh

And doesn’t cry

And stands alone out on her porch

To smoke and greet the dawn's approach.

RATE THIS CHAPTER!

Author guidance for This poem

Well, the summer is over, and so is this particular workshop. Please do not post any more poems here. Do continue reading and critiquing them, though.

Don't be sad though---there's a new poetry workshop for this fall:

http://www.protagonize.com/story/poetry-workshop-fall-2009


OLD INSTRUCTIONS (still applicable for critiquing poems):
Please read these instructions before contributing.

Welcome to the poetry workshop. We meet in a lovely little coffee shop and there is quiet music in the air and artwork on the walls and you get a discount on your choice of hot drink. So, pull up a chair to the table and join in the workshop!

This is a place for anyone interested in experimenting with and improving their poetry. You also have to be prepared to give constructive (that means helpful/useful) criticism to other authors writing and be willing to receive criticism on your own writing.

Before posting a poem you MUST write at least one useful comment critique for another author’s poem. Please try to pick a poem that not too many people have critiqued yet—so that everybody gets feedback! You are always welcome to write feedback for more than one poem—if fact, you don’t have to write a poem to give feedback! Also, do carefully consider, then rate the poems. And, if the poet changes their poem according to criticism, try to remember to go back and re-evaluate the grade you gave them.

Note: all forms of poetry are acceptable but please avoid mature content.


Remember when you critique to always include something positive along with the suggestions for improvement. If you aren’t sure where to start with you critique, give some thought to the following five questions:

1. Is the poem a unified whole?

2. Does the structure of the poem work effectively with the words to create a good poem? If the poem has a strong visual aspect—is it effective?

3. Are there any particular words or phrases that stand out to you? Anything that doesn’t fit in or fits in particularly well? Do you think any of these could be changed or improved?

4. If there is a rhyming scheme and or meter, do they work? Do they seem forced anywhere?

5. Does the poem pass the ‘so what?’ test for you? This might mean that you have enjoyed an 'unspoken' message in the poem.


So there you go! I hope you’ll choose to jump in and share a poem (or two or ten) and some thoughts and suggestions. None of us are experts in this, so your thoughts count too.

The poems are editable and we’d love to see if you have edited your poem in response to a reader’s reaction. If you place your newest drafts at the top of your post and older drafts below, that would be good.

In expectation and with a sip of mint tea and an excited grin,
FogCat

updated Sep 22 '09 by FogCat