Four – The Full Fat of Evil


The Evil One watched the monitor in his penthouse suite with one sinister eyes, laughing as he replayed Kray’s death over and over again. With his other eye, he watched the final minutes of another exciting re run of Coronation Street. Having eyes controlled independently by different personalities(*14) used to be embarrassing, but then he just started to kill the mockers, so it was all gravy(*15).

A long time ago, Jones Pilmer (his real name) had been pure evil, and one day had been dragging his stepmother, Jamie Harley, kicking and screaming towards one of his inventions: an evil booth that would suck things in and peel them like bananas. The old bat tripped him at the last moment and they both tumbled into the contraption, punching and kicking away their last few seconds.

As it was only a prototype and had been yet untested(*16), it didn’t work as expected, and instead of bananofying them, it crushed the two of them into a quivering mulch(*17).

This would have killed most people, but Jones was too annoyed to die. He lay there, seething and bubbling with rage. The bubbles started to become more frequent and more intense and he found that he could control himself as if he was a liquid God. Then the machine crushed him again and that was the end of that.

Luckily for him though, one of his assistants, Vixen, returned from her dinner to see him crushed the second time. She ran to his aid, scraping him into a bucket and pouring him into the reanimation machine she had been working on. She’d already tested this on her stepmother and it worked perfectly(*18). A few beeps and boops later and he had been reformed, naked and miffed.

“Blumming mothers,” he hissed as he grabbed a towel and inside his head he heard her reply “Oi, you little toe rag.”

Days passed and what he thought was a short-term annoyance became a permanent and fully fledged reality. He stopped trying to shave off the curls and started killing those who dared mock him, even those who didn’t dare, and he found relative inner peace once more. Well, as much peace you could have with a stepmother and evil son sharing a reanimated brain.

As time passed, Jones became even more notorious, as he adopted his mother’s evil suggestions. Well, she was a woman. He wished he had tapped this dark resource a long time ago.

But back to the present.

Jones watched the credits rolling with a sadistic smile.

“Right, you’ve had your fun, time for mine,” he told his feminine side, climbing out of the rocking chair and collecting his petrol-powered chainsaw which was hanging on a coat hook besides her umbrella.

“I know, I know,” he replied as he made his way to the elevator “we’ll be back long before that starts, don’t worry. Flippin' Family Fortunes...”


*14- Of course, it wasn’t just his eyes that were divided by personality. No, that would be stupid. His hair was also a victim of this strange affliction, with the left side of his head a dark crew cut and the right side covered in shoulder length orange curls.

*15- And as we all know, gravy is brilliant. Turns mash from “mer” to “mmmMMMMMMM! Soooo goooood!”

*16- How else do you test a contraption of death or torture other than by using your stepmother?

*17- Coincidentally, this is how Smoothies were invented.

*18- Even filling-in the holes in her back from where Vixen had stabbed her to death.

The End

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