Three – Snivelling Slobberer Shakedown!

Daroon “Wrist of Thunder” Toots and Angel “Mack” Kinsellina(*7) were in the ‘Evil Deeds Spoils of War Room(*8)’ with Kray “The Crutch” Hutch when they were ambushed. Kray, who was nicknamed “The Crutch” because it rhymed with Hutch(*9), almost dropped his bottles of Tango in momentary (and uncharacteristic) terror. Angel screamed. Daroon cracked her knuckles in happy anticipation.

“Get ‘em!” one of the faceless goons screeched, blocking off the main exit. The only other way out was either through the window and the 43 story drop that accompanied it, or the fire escape which had just recently been padlocked shut(*10).

The trio were viciously outnumbered, with at least 5 snivelling slobberers(*11) to each of them.

Kray put his bottles down on a filing cabinet and started swinging hiscrutch like a baton, making a whirring sound. Daroon was still cracking her knuckles. Angel was sobbing. The collection of noises sounded like an amateur drum ‘n’ bass track.

“I said GET THEM!” the man by the door repeated, holsing his hands wide against the doors to make it extra clear that he could not fight himself as he was preventing their escape. The other 14 started to close in on them in an ever shrinking circle. As the trio were in a narrow corridor of filing cabinets, this meant that to achieve this, the slobberers had to climb over filing cabinets, chairs, desks and other office workers just to maintain their “inpenetrable net”. One of them fell over somebody’s In Tray, twisting his ankle and chipping a tooth on his ally’s forehead, who clutched his bonce and screamed like a bansee.

Kray, sighing at this comedy, leapt forward, crutch spinning around his body in a lethal blur, and although they tried to get out of his path, only two seconds later eight people were laying in a pile of blood, broken bones and slobber. Daroon used her mighty wrist to chop a filing cabinet om half, then her and the still sobbing Angel lifted it up and charged at the terrified man blocking the door. When Angel shed tears, you did not want to be the cause(*12).

The man (for want of a better word) blocking the door started to scream as the massive pale yellow cabinet thundered towards him, and then his screams were silenced as he was flattened by it. Unfortunately it was pushed with such force that it crashed into the wall, trapping them inside.

“Nooooo!” Angel screamed, punching at the cabinet, denting it. She stopped her sobbing momentarily to look up at Daroon, who returned her knowing smile. BOOM BOOM BOOM... The duo started laying punches into the filing cabinet.

Kray had dispatched the last last of the slobberers and was returning to his beloved Tango when he tripped over one of the outstretched corpses’ hands and fell face first into the ooze of deadly slobber.

“ARGHHHHhhhhh...” Kray gurgled, feeling every muscle in his body instantly seizing up. Daroon looked around to see her unrequited love’s last pain wracked moments. They had just created a hole big enough to escape through, and could see Calvin and the others approaching, but all she could think about was how she could not bear to live if he died. She ran to his aid and lifted his head out of the liquid death.

“Kray... KRAAAYYY!”

Angel appeared at her side, her eyes welling up with tears again. She knew what Kray meant to Daroon, and now he was gone.

Oh wait, no he wasn’t.

His eyes flickered open. He seemed to be using every last ounce of life inside him to look at Daroon.

“ ”

He was dead.

“KRAY!” Daroon wailed. How could he be gone? The others had made their way through the smouldering hole in the door and stood around him in a circle.

“AYYYEEIIYYAAAAAARRRRGGGHHHHH!” came Enya’s valued contribution.

“We... we need to get out of here,” Calvin said quitely, his head down to hide the tears for his fallen comrade. He looked up. “They will be on their way.”

“We can’t let them get away with this,” Lauren whispered. She whispered because it was the only way to stop herself from screaming uncontrollably.

“And we won’t,” Simone replied through gritted teeth, “but Calv’s right. If we stay in here, we’re sitting ducks. Come on, who will help me carry him?”

Without delay, every one of them found purchase, an arm, a leg, a nose, a buttock, and they shuffled slowly out of the room, leaving behind the workers who had never even looked up from their mundane worlds(*13)


*7- Daroon got her nickname from her fearsome table football power. She once hit a shot so hard that the person holding the opposing goalie fell to the floor, dead from an exploded wrist. Angel, on the other hand, chose her own name. When she first arrived on English soil, she decided to adopt an English name to accompany her Peruvian one, in the hopes of fitting in a little better. Only one name appealed to her from within ‘The Bumper Book of English names for Peruvians’, which was Mack. Everyone called her Angel.

*8- Inside this hallowed room were, not surprisingly, the spoils of war. Mainly, it contained hard cash, gold bullion and priceless artwork, but there was also a modest selection of chilled beverages and snacks.

*9- Also, the crutch was his favourite blunt weapon and he had once escaped from a military hospital using only his crutch to bludgeon to death a platoon of Marines.

*10- Every time the Evil One had taken a few minutes out of his busy schedule to come down to the SOW room and honour it’s occupants by beating them to within inches of their lives, one or two always escaped their reward by fleeing through the fire escape. Well, not anymore.

*11- They were called snivelling slobberers because they snivelled and slobbered a poisonous secretion. They were called faceless goons not because they were faceless, but because their faces were so grotesque and putrid that any person who saw them blocked out the vilesight, replacing it instead with a faceless err... face.

*12- Her wrath was legendary. She was like Ichi the Killer; Angel ‘Mack’ Kinsellina: a weeping time bomb.

*13- Except the worker whos In Tray had been trashed. He was still laying kicks into the culprit’s corpse.

The End

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