The pummelling was vicious, but short lived. The dull thump thump thump of Lauren’s knuckles on Calv’s skull was ended as her fist was halted, mid-punch, by the one known as Shazam, who caught it as if it were a fly and his hand was a frogs tongue. With his other hand, he had ended, much to Simone’s disappointment, the other man’s pain of being sat on by Elaine and choked to within an inch of his life by her muscular thighs(*3).
The girls looked at Shazam to protest, but then they Enya, who had also arrived with Shaz, and her wide eyes and unlit fag trembling in her mouth told them that now wasn’t the time for fun and games.
“Simone,” Shaz began, looking at Lauren, “it’s bad news. The Evil One...” to which everyone repeated “EVIL ONE” in a slow, monotonous drone(*4) “...has found out that we’ve been planning to leave the Axis Of Evil and get new jobs with the kids and the donkeys on the beach(*5). They plan to... to...” he trailed off into silence as he noticed the absence of the football table.
“What do they plan to do?” Simone asked, but Shazam ignored him and turned to Elaine.
“Simone, what happened to the...” he gulped, perhaps over dramatically “table?”
“Well...” Simone began, but was immediately cut off.
“I wasn’t talking to you!” Shazam roared and wheeled back to face the now trembling Elaine. “Simone, what were you saying?”
“Well...” Simone started again but was met by Shazam’s Ducks-Beak backhand.
Elaine interjected as Simone attempted to snap his jaw back into place. “Err... it’s being cleaned and will be returned all sparkly and new looking on Monday. Ahem. Now what was that about the Evil One?”
“And could you let go of my fist?” Lauren ventured.
“Oh, sorry, Simone,” Shazam apologised, letting go. “Well, I heard on the grapevine...” to which everyone sang “GRAPEVINE!” without really knowing why(*6) “...in that HE has got the other managers and supervisors to trap our escape by patrolling the ground floor. There are hundreds of them down there!”
“OH MY GODDDDDDDD!!!” Elaine screamed, to which everyone looked at her, tutted, then looked at Calvin, who had now finished sweeping up the remains of his teeth.
“Right, let’s find Angel, Daroon and Kray before they get to them first,” Calv roared, pouncing to his feet.
“Yeah baby!” Simone yelled, thrusting like a man possessed by a Viagra gulping ghost.
“Simone!” Shazam cried pointing to the door.
“What?” Simone replied, before shrugging and leading the troops out of the Canteen.
*3- His life had flashed before his eyes, but strangely, all he saw was the current incident again and again accompanied by a strange 80’s funk soundtrack.
*4- As the Evil One was both egotistical and insane, part of the P&H induction had involved a secret brain programming of each employee so that whenever his name was spoken, anyone in the room would repeat it. Madness!
*5- At least that was Shazam’s plan. Simone, on the other hand wanted to become a film star, as he believed that the world deserved to see his face, The others weren’t too fussed as long as they escaped their evil capacity and the future contained a pub.
*6- Being evil, the Evil One had also programmed a few pranks into their brain too. Come on, if you had the power, are you telling me you wouldn’t? I thought so.