One - Nuclear War (on the Table Football Dance Floor)
Contrary to popular belief, it wasn't all roses working for Pilmer & Harley, a terrorist organisation hidden away down a murky back road in a no-frills town in Southern England(*1). It's employees had to work 8.30-5 for a start and just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, they had to wear shoes.... Shoes i tell you!
They did, however, have table football, and one group spent countless hours whiling their dinnertimes away, honing their accuracy, team work and verbal insult skills.
This particular day was no different from any other. Calvin 'Human Shield' Muller and Simone 'Aren't I Brilliant?!' Tonsil were battling for their metaphorical man-lives against the cunning Lauren 'Are These Watermelons Under My Top Or Am I Just Pleased To See You?' Pedestrian-Crossing and Elaine 'Cookie!' Bartleby(*2).
You would be shocked (and, dare i say... horrified (and may i venture... disgusted?)) to hear that the men were in fact getting trounced by these so-called harmless women.
An utter pummelling!
This was no common occurrence either... no no... as the self proclaimed statistician Calvin had calculated to his utter abhorrence, the girls had won 87 of the 90 encounters. This did not prohibit the lads from feeling (as they had felt every other day) that TODAY WAS THE DAY!
You'd think they'd learn, wouldn't you?
"You are witness to quite probably the greatest goalkeeping performance ever!" Simone proclaimed as he danced another ball away from his goal.It came back, however, from the plastic foot of Elaine's midfield general. he fox-trotted to the left and pirouetted to his route, momentarily silenced by his concentration, but the shot beat him and nestled sweetly in the back of the net to make it 9-1. And not to the men either.
"NOOOO!" screamed Calvin as he raised his hands to the sky in an Oscar(tm) winning 'WHY GOD WHY?!' gesture. Simone plucked the ball out of the back of the net in an expert fashion (well, he'd had a lot of practice) and looked at Calv, who gave him a knowing smile. They were not going to lose today, no matter what the consequences were.
With a well timed heave, the duo picked up the table and in one fluid motion chucked it through the window. They watched with a mixture of utter joy and heart wrenching despair as it fell the 44 floors and disintegrated on the concrete below.
Simone looked around to see the girls silent and wide eyed, their mouths open in Os of 'Orror. He gave them a few seconds to soak it in, flashed them a cheeky smile and said "Call it a draw?"
*1- Well it wasn't exactly hidden, what with it being the worlds tallest building and all. Imagine a giraffe attempting to hide amongst a field of ants and you are on the right visual track
*2- Calvin got his nickname 'Human Shield' after the staggering number of times during field work that he had been used as a flesh-and-bone barrier against bullets, knife wounds and the odd Doberman Pincher. Sometimes it was his team who thrust him to their defence, sometimes it was the police and on the odd occasion civilian just happening to pass him in the street. Luckily he had a high tolerance for pain and often liked to tell the anecdote about the time he stopped a cannonball from only a metre away. the full story, however was that it wasn't shot at him, it was actually on a shelf above him, and it landed squarely on his bonce after he stumbled drunkenly into a wall, putting him into a coma for 3 months.
Elaine got her tag after finishing 2nd in the Continental Cookie Consummation Challenge 2007. She should have won really, but was enjoying herself so much that she didn't realise that she was also eating off of her competitor's plate, who was sat watching her dual action shovelling technique in awe. If she had been left handed, she would have probably still won. Amazingly, she was still as thin as a rake... some people don't know they're born, do they?
Lauren had big baps, no explanation needed there, and Si..well.. you'll soon see the relevance of his nickname...