It appears that Hillary Clinton will be the Democrat´s candidate. Since there is currently no seeming viability in the form of a third party and the Republicans floor such a collection of zombie nuts, she likely could win. The story is a bit of nasty satire about Killary Clintlock, killer abroad, laydown kitten to Wall Street.
Pillow Talk, 1998: Bill and Hillary
Bill: Hillary give me a little space! Monica Lewd is not very discrete, but she´s no Deep Throat, at least in the Watergate sense. She is a bit messy and can´t seem to keep her mouth shut even in the Oval Office. The Impeachment crowd has only a second hand job of hearsay. Thanks for being understanding. Lucky my foursome escapades with Bill Spitzer and his beauties never got out. I know you thought I should not be consorting with a known liberal like Spitzer but he had the finest tastes in Babes and besides New York taxpayers foot the bill. Anyway, impeachment never got anywhere. Most all the Republicans and Democrats loved it when I eliminated Welfare as We Know It and fucked all those Welfare Queens and made them do the Johns at McDonalds, at minimum wages too. The pundits and our corporations really liked it that I pushed the “Washington Consensus.” Then there was my great accomplishment with NAFTA. It is kind of hard to understand why they want my ass when I have done such great good.
Then too Hillary remember that in exchange for your understanding about Monica and other diversions I did go to a lot of trouble to set you up a secret roundevoux with that the biggest of all studs, Saddam Hussein.
Hillary: Ya sure Billy Boy I told you how that went.
Took me to his harem he did. Said, hey Lady I got 27 young virgins waiting here. He introduced me to all 27 saying something in Arabic which must have been “How would you like this speciwoman as Wife Number 28?” They all laughed loud at that.
Then he said in his best English, “All nice Muslim girls, from light bronze to ebony to darkest black. Not one over 16. What would I want with an older fat assed Christian Lady?”
“But still you can tell Bill that neither of us believes in monogamy and that what I want is the hand of manly friendship like in the good old days, before that Texas oil man started coveting my petrol, like in the saner days when Dear and Honorable Mr. Reagan gave me the weapons to take on those uppity Iranian Mullahs and the poisons to scare the shit out of the Turds. That oil is not Bush´s, not God´s, not your Kuwait puppet sheikhs´, not even Allah´s—it´s MINE! You can tell Big Bill I will make a good trade for some of those WMDs he says I have and I don´t. Allah doesn´t like the embargo either, killing too many kids from lack of medicine and food and some parents believe it´s my fault. The Deal is--Bill get´s off my ass, I get into yours. Take it or leave it! Or Jihad everywhere.”
Bill. Well I was mighty pissed off at that stud. After all if French Presidents can mix sex and politics, why can´t I? So I went ahead and put on more sanctions, imposed no-fly zones, and pressured the WMD inspectors to keep saying that he was hiding WMDs. I hope that the next Pres does him in, the ungrateful Camel´s Ass.
Pillow Talk: 2015
Hillary. Bill you been watching the news on ISIS in Iraq, Syria, and Libya? Looks bad.
Bill. Sure, a mess. Who could have predicted this? I had set-up the Great Satan Hussein for George but he went a bit overboard. Got caught in embarrassing lies and got the wrong people to run the occupation.
Hillary. Yeah. I did my bit too. I was really pissed at Saddam when he would not take our deal. As Senator I voted to invade Iraq. When I was Secretary I saw to it that we did in Gaddafi and that our CIA man in Libya got militants and arms to fight that bloody dictator Assad in Syria. Can´t understand how things can go so wrong.
Hillary: But Billy Boy let´s pillow talk about today. How much did we rake in last month for the Foundation?
Bill: Officially a record $100 million! Then there were some extra hidden accounts that are not even open to me, but are, conditionally it is said, cleared for you.
Hillary: Tell me about it, how much can go to …. Wait! Are you sure no recorders are on?
Bill: No, no. After the Nixon Watergate tapes had to be released nothing any politician said anywhere got recorded, at least until Reagan, who had a device he carried in a flower on his lapel, but used only when conversing with certain foreign types he wanted to blackmail. Our bedroom is pillow talk only. Rahm Emmanuel got me his very private security company to silence anything or anyone eavesdropping. Rahm swore he would never tell what security company, even if water boarded by an indignant Chicago teacher.
Hillary: So how much do I get from my campaign? As of July 2015 I had only$46 million from the big guys on Wall Street, but we still have in the Foundation accounts $5 million and our speaking fees of $4 million from our few friends there. Any word from Charlie and David K.? Like the Wall Street crowd I know they prefer Don Trump or one of the other nuts, but they do like to cover their bases, as the Street generously did with Barack and in return they got their boys appointments to Treasury and the FED, and that nice girl Penny to Commerce. Goldman Sachs should come through after all the favors I did them and they did pay me $200k each for two close-door talks.
Bill: No commitment yet from the Brothers. But the Saudis and Kuwaits, biggest supporters from Day One, have their ways of managing oil dollars and privately said they would help. That Canadian oil company operating in Colombia we are more or less partners with is chipping in a nice chunk, in appreciation for your overlooking as Secretary of State all that human rights nastiness about the killing of oil workers union organizers. We got pretty cozy with ExxonMobil and Chevron after you arranged some fracking deals in Eastern Europe, they sprung some nice cash. Unfortunate that you and Foundation came under attack for some of the things you arranged as Secretary, you did some big favors for big guys and they have demonstrated their willingness to do good deeds by big contributions to very worthy causes the Foundation sponsors. That muckraker Schweizer tried to create a scandal in that book Clinton Cash, but this is not likely to go very far. The Republicans try to make it a scandal that you approved arms deals for 20 countries tied to arms sales of $165 billion by our arms manufactures who also contributed to the Foundation. It´s going around that the Algerian government gave $500,000 to the Foundation so that you would approve an arms export including chemical and biological agents. Well Algeria is safely in our camp these days and might need these weapons to fight off ISIS. Nobody pays any attention now to your support for the coup against that renegade Zelaya in Honduras in 2009 and continuing shipping arms. Too bad that the loyal regime there got a bit out of hand in the repression since then. Anyway, it will all blow over, the Repubs know that is just good business for America, while boosting our friends abroad. Because I got some fat speaking fees from these countries and corporations doesn´t mean there was anything illicit. Since you deleted emails from your private account, nothing can be proven. This kind of use of public office to forward American interests and get a few personal side benefits while doing it is standard operating procedures for Republicans. The scandal created about your private email account is a bit worrisome, but I don´t expect any of your Republican opponents to make much of an issue about this. Nor will right thinking Democrats, they all understand the revolving door between public office and lucrative private consulting. Your condemnation of that whistle blower Snowden for treason proves your loyalty and covers you for any of those allegations about revealing state secrets.
Money will continue to roll in. Bibi Yahu might mobilize a lot of green from the Zionist heavens, but you need to be more circumspect about kind of favoring Obama´s Nuclear deal with Iran and be more respectful of Bibi. A certain Venezuelan media tycoon was a little pissed off after passing me a bundle but then my efforts could not come through enough to put down Hugo Chavez. I did help get AID, Endowment for Democracy, and all sorts of NGOS working on it, but then could not even get Jimmy Carter to back off his saying that Venezuela has the fairest elections in the world. Imagine! The big Free Press opposition guy there is a key figure in mobilizing the opposition to do in socialists and socialism and bring back free enterprise. Too bad he and the other patriots failed in the 2002 coup against Chavez. Our friend Cisneros upped his ante to a million if I would put in a word with you about getting rid of this tyrant Eva Morales…wait, no that was Eva Peron in Argentina, that one is Evo a macho Bolivian redskin… what´s his name that lords over all that oil in our own backyard? Immaduro or something like that. Imagine, a dictator who says he wants “Socialism for the 21st Century” for all Bolivarians. Who the hell is Bolivar anyway?
But my dearest hot lips, the most generous gift is from our Silicon Valley friend who managed to hoodwink certain deep pocket guys with matching funds on condition of your promise never to use the term “fat cats” and tone down the campaign “populism” to a tolerable level. Mr. Silicon Valley confided that he has secretly been using HSBC for years about how to hide money and reduce taxes. He says no problem diverting a good part of his and the deep pocket dough your way. Remember that I got $2.5 million in speaking fees from 13 hi-tech firms while you were Secretary. Just because Microsoft got a $4 million contract with State while I got $175,000 to give my words of wisdom to the Valley does not mean that there was payoff, even though Oracle and Dell also came up with a cool half million for my talks. Cisco Systems came through too, and PhRMA, along with our good international banker friends at Goldman Sachs. It worked fine when we got the oil magnet Frank Giustra on the Foundation board and he and his company Pacific Rubiales operating in Colombia came through with a bundle. Good of you not to sanction Colombia for human rights violations. It also worked out well with our other Canadian friend, Uranium One, that sold out to the Russian Rosatom with State´s approval of the deal, the Foundation got $2.35 million on that one.
Hill, let´s be frank. The guys with big bucks know that there is no better investment than in promising politicians, and you are next in line Baby. Look at those fools who bought oil futures at over $100 a barrel! And the precious metals futures down, way down since certain speculators starting using FED easy money to fuck around with the markets. I know you and Foundation did good in the commodity market, but some of these poor guys who don’t know what to do with their easy money are losing their shirts, well not their shirts but some of the gravy is dripping on their pants crouch rather than pouring into their pockets. What they need to understand is that investment in you will bring them better returns than a record stock market. They will come to understand to leave aside some of this speculative shit and put aside your rhetoric and put their money on the Winning Nag.
But you can´t run like I did in the 1990s, by taking a hard right turn. Go left mi lady, go populist, at least enough to cut that Boston Brahmin lady with a big mouth down a notch. Too many malcontents out there in the electorate these days knocking the Banksters that Lizzie puts down and even more talking about the injustice of supposed inequality. Ya gotta give´m some nice words. Barry Boy played it right and even got only a knowing smile when he referred to Wall Street “fat cats.” These guys know what is populist bullshit and what is real. So play up like a paleface Michelle carrying on with the sage counsel of the Wise Old First Man.
Hillary: Some nut is putting it all over the internet that my name is Killary Clintlock and it might go viral. How can I stop that? I had my staff at www.readyforhillary.com , the one that sells kooky stuff, check it out. Staff found 11 emails from the asshole in my inbox. He never bought anything. He asked for the bikini shorts with red labia imprinted or the boots with nails on the toes for kicking ass. Called me Killary Clintlock and Laydown Kitten and demanded that he be removed from my mailing list.
Bill: Easy, do what all smart politicians do, talk peace during the campaign, then make war. After the election all you need to do is direct drones to take out a few more Muslim wedding parties, send some troops to Syria, renig on the Iran nuclear deal, keep weapons going to the Saudi´s and the Egyptians to keep after our enemies and you can have a real Middle East War, not these petty skirmishes that Obama has managed. That will put the fear of Allah in all our good Christian folk, too many like Republicans, and they will lay off you a bit for taking on the heathens.
I had another idea. I think it is a brilliant hold your constituency move. You know there are more and more vocal queers making a lot of noise about civil rights, and a lot of straights are listening. Shit, even our nice conservative Supreme Court Justices fell in line. Your personal history is pure virtue, growing up in a nice upper-class suburb, good family, marrying up after your first roll in the sack with me, not kicking me in the ass for the Monica episode…. Suppose you stray a bit? Take on a lesbian lover! That would look good to liberal voters who might otherwise abstain or go third party.
Hillary: Hm. Interesting! Who do you think? And don’t tell me Monica Lewd.
Bill: Well, how about Sarah Pallin? She is a hot number, a baked Alaska ice cream. And think about all those Tea Party, Christian Zealots with suppressed libidos that would get off on the pure lust of it. It´s a win/win, you score with the discontent left and right and get off doing it.
Bill: Sure be nice to be back in the While House bed. Just you and me pillow talking, what with my heart attack I can´t do fast food or hot sex any more….well maybe I could watch you and Ms. Alaska Ice Cream, that would be a turn on.