This is a soap opera based on Harry Potter
Woeful Wizards Philosopher’s Stone Episode 2
Harry and Ron are walking to class. Hermione is hovering behind them.
Ron: Well, that was awesome of Dumbledore to give you that invisibility cloak.
Harry; I KNOW RIGHT?! Thank Merlin Potions is over.
Ron: (swivels) Snape has given us so much homework (mini-faint) I don’t think I can cope.
Harry: (s) Snape hates me (softer) because of my father.
Ron: (s) Only Hermione will be able to do the homework.
Hermione swivels towards Ron, looking shocked.
Ron: She’s such a know-it-all.
Hermione looks upset and gasps. Harry turns around and sees Hermione.
Ron: No one likes her
Hermione looks increasingly upset.
Ron: She’s just a terrible, horrible, spiteful person. I don’t know why she was even born. If she died right now, I don’t think anyone would bother. And I, for one, (dramatically) hate her.
Hermione pushes past, sobbing.
Harry: (s) Now look what you did.
Ron: (looks shocked) No, I-I didn’t make her that upset did I?
Harry: (puts hand on Ron’s shoulder) Don’t worry, I believe you best friend.
Harry and Ron stop walking and gaze at each other for a few moments. Snape enters.
Snape: (bored) Potter, Weasley get into the Great Hall now.
Harry: (s) But, Professor, me and Ron were just having a deep and meaningful conversation!
Snape: I really don’t care. Ten points from Gryffindor.
House counter thing appears in the background. Ten points are wiped off. Harry and Ron gasp.
Snape: Now get into the Great Hall now unless you want more points off Gryffindor.
Snape leaves. Harry and Ron rush off.
Harry: Do you see the way he looked at me with loathing in his eyes?
Ron: Yeah, I’m surprised you didn’t melt.
Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle are sitting at the Slytherin table.
Malfoy: And then he said, “Get out you stinking mudblood”
Goyle: (absolutely pissing himself) That’s funny, cause mudbloods stink!
Crabbe looks at Goyle, surprise written all over his face.
Malfoy: So, what do you think of that Hermione Granger?
Goyle: She’s um, (looks at Malfoy)
Malfoy: (s) WHAT?!
Goyle gives Crabbe a dirty. Crabbe sees this and his expression changes.
Crabbe: I mean, uh, alright for the scum of the earth.
Hermione enters, crying softly
Malfoy: Yes, Granger should just go and live in the Forbidden Forrest with all the other boggarts.
Hermione stops, turns and runs away sobbing.
Goyle: Good one Draco. That was so witty.
Crabbe: Uh, yeah.
Malfoy: Just wait, my father will have her expelled soon.
Harry and Ron are sitting at the Gryffindor table with the other Gryffindors.
Harry: (s) I wonder why we are here?
Ron: (looking around) I wonder where Hermione is?
Harry: (loudly) RONALD WEASLEY I AM TALKING TO YOU SO PLEASE STOP IGNORING ME. I THOUGHT WE WERE BEST FRIENDS.
Ron: (s & dramatically) I’m so sorry Harry.
Harry: (s) I forgive you. Good point though. Where IS Hermione?
Dean: I saw her run into the girls bathrooms.
Seamus: Yeah, she was bawling her eyes out.
Harry nods. Ron looks confused.
Ron: What were you two doing near the girls bathroom?
Dean and Seamus exchange looks and back away and leave. Dramatic music.
Ron: Well, I for one express my-
Dumbledore enters sassily. He struts to the teachers table.
Dumbledore: (sassily gazing around) Now, I suppose all of you are wondering why I called you here.
Dumbledore: Well I’m here to tell you the police have called.
Everyone looks confused
Fred and George: (SHOUTS) WE’RE WIZARDS.
Dumbledore: Right. I mean, the Aurors have contacted me through the Floo Network
Dumbledore: THE FASHION AURORS
Everyone bursts into applause. A disco ball drops from the ceiling and dance music starts playing.
Dumbledore: For all of the first years, today’s the day of our random annual fashion show!
Lee Jordan struts out.
Dumbledore: And here is Lee Jordan, wearing a wonderfully elegant ensemble. Notice in particular the fine stitching on the cuffs.
Lee leaves. Random Hogwarts student starts to strut, but is interrupted by Quirrell.
Quirrell: ATTENTION EVERYONE, ATTENTION.
Everything goes silent.
Quirrell: I just thought everyone should know, there’s a troll in the dungeons.
Dumbledore stands dramatically, rasing hands. He accidentally knocks Quirrell out.
Dumbledore: Oops. (louder) There is no need for panic. The teachers will come with me and search for the troll. Every student is to return to their dormitories, because if the troll finds you, he will kill you.
All students gasp, and then run out chaotically.
Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle are all rushing to their dormitories.
Malfoy: I hope that troll gets Potter, Weasley and Granger.
Goyle: That. Would. Be. AWESOME.
Harry and Ron enter, running. They “crash” (Note: Just pause, enter frame saying crash and play with everyone on the floor) into Malfoy and the gang.
Malfoy: My gang! (s) You’ll pay for this Potter!
Malfoy and the gang stalk off.
Harry: Wait, Quirrell said the dungeons! That’s where the girls bathrooms are!
Ron: (s) How do you know?
Harry: (uncomfortably) Never mind. (s) We must save Hermione!
In girls bathroom. Hermione is crying in stall. Ron and Harry rush in.
Ron: (shouting) HERMIONE!
Harry: (shouting) HERMIONE!
Harry and Ron rush to Hermiones stall
Ron: Hermione, you’ve got to get out.
Hermione slams open door.
Hermione: (shouting) WHY SHOULD I? WHAT IF I JUST DIED?
Harry: But Hermione, if you stay here (s) you might.
Ron: Bleeding unlikely I dare say.
Troll enters (Note: person wearing troll mask)
Troll: (bored) Ahh…
Ron: What a thrilling and unexpected plot twist!
Harry and gang start running away from troll, but it grabs Hermione.
Fight scene which can be figured out later but Hermione is saved somehow
Harry: (s) I banish thee troll! (s towards door) Now get out!
Ron: Huzzah! We saved you, fair maiden!
Hermione: (s) You think I’m fair?
Ron and Hermione stare at each other. Harry is oblivious
Harry: (s) We must tell the teachers of our victory.
Ron: Huh, what? (s) Yes, we must.
In the Great Hall. Malfoy and the gang are sitting at the Slytherin table.
Malfoy: (s) I hope Potter’s friends have all died.
Malfoy: (s) Because then he will be all mine.
Dumbledore struts in
Dumbledore: I have fabulous news everyone. (s) The troll has been banished by none other than Harry Potter himself!
Harry walks in with Ron and Hermione
Harry: Thank you, thank you.
Dumbledore: And in honour of your glitter-tastic triumph, you win for the prize for best dressed student!
Harry: (s) (overcome with emotion) I… I don’t know what to say.
Dumbledore: Don’t say anything Harry. Sing it.
Harry and Dumbledore stare at each other
Harry: (s) …okay.
Just before Harry starts to sing, we see Quirrell wake up and glare at Harry.
In teacher’s lounge. Every teacher looks high.
Snape: I really don’t like Potter
Flitwick: Cool story bro
Dumbledore struts in
Dumbledore: Everyone, everyone, I have several pieces of important rules to announce. First is that our first Quidditch match is next week. Secondly, no one is to ever set foot in Room 666. Ever, or they shall face the wrath of the gods!
Cut to door with “ROOM 666- DO NOT ENTER” written on to it. Quirrell is about to open it. Dramatic music.
END OF EPISODE TWO