Journey through the feelings of what one feels after breaking up from a long relationship.
How could that bastard break up with me? And with some girl he just met! I gave him the best five years of his life. Did all of those surprise phone calls and love notes mean nothing to him? I spent countless nights comforting him when he felt sad and calming him down when he was angry. I quit my job on his recommendation. That's when I moved in with him. He promised to protect and be with me forever. He said that I was his only one and the most beautiful girl in the world. There was so much affection in our relationship. We had our faults, but managed to work through them. We were a team and we were good together. I guess the night where I drove to his house at 4 am to dry his tears when his dog died meant nothing either. I sacrificed so much for him. God forbid, whenever I asked him to give up something for me, he bitched and moaned. He wouldn't take the time to do something that I wanted to do.
Here I am now, in the middle of the night, looking through all of the photos of us; one from his parent's house, one at the Rockefeller Center, one of us at the beach; that was the day where he told me that he loved me for the first time. I'll never forget the way he looked at me when he said it. His eyes sparkled as the words cascaded from his mouth. I guess that didn't mean anything either. The space that was filled in my heart every time he said it was now empty and void. It was now filled with hate and bitterness. The stitches that were healing my heart tore open every time I thought of him.
The tears were flowing as I looking at his Facebook photos that showed him with a new girl. They looked so happy together.The picture was taken in his bedroom. I knew it so well. We made love so many times in there and spent nights dreaming of a day where we'd both get out of this place. Now, that new girl was in that space; the space that used to be mine. What was ours was now theirs. She would spend time consoling him and being there when he needed her. They would go to the places where we went, to the beach where we fell in love as the sun went down and the waves crashed into the sand.
She was kissing those lips that were once mine. From them, once came words that told me how he felt, all the excuses he gave and all the times he said he was sorry. They were looking into each other's eyes that were also once mine. I've fallen into the blueness of those eyes so many times. Although I got lost in them, I never wanted to get out. They captured me as well as my heart. She was wearing one of his old shirts that I used to wear. He left it over my house one night and I cuddled up with it as I breathed in the scent. That's when I knew I was head over heels for him.
Now, I was struggling to get over him. I still have the things he gave me.They were constant reminders that we were no longer together. I wanted to throw them out, but I couldn't. It was all part of our story together and I didn't want to forget him. It would be like getting rid of a part of me. I tried to put them in my closet, but I'd catch a glimpse of one every now and then. My friends told me to burn them, but I'd rather not.
I stopped at one photo of them together. It was the caption that caught my eye. It said, "To the most beautiful girl in the world. I'm happy that I found you." How dare he write that!? How could he say that after he told this to me so many times? That was so hypocritical. Did words mean nothing? Was it all a lie when he looked me in the eyes and told me in what I thought was a sincere voice?; if it was, I fell for it. I wasn't sure if words meant anything or had any value. People just say things they want us to hear. You can't say that someone is the most beautiful person if you're just going to say it to somebody else. How can you say it to several people? Don't say things that aren't true. Don't say we are going to be together forever if we are going to break up. People need to think about things before they say it. I couldn't imagine saying it ever again. I can't bring myself to do it.
We talked about getting married and being together forever. He constantly told me that he couldn't live without me. He said that "we were made for each other." That's such bullshit. Where was our happily ever after? He wanted us to ride into the sunset together as we held hands and headed towards eternity. Where was he now? I bet he would say the same things to that girl; things that I thought were only meant for me. Those words he uttered to me on those cool summer nights weren't true.
Relationships are bullshit anyway. There's all this song and dance for nothing. We invest our time in something that might not even work out. Even the most mediocre investor could tell you what a terrible decision it is. The risk of it all doesn't pay out. We struggle to make it work, but for what? There may come a point where it's irreparably broken. We only delay the inevitable. We fool ourselves into thinking things will be fine. We want with all of our might for that to be true and in a way, they become that way if we believe hard enough.
I finally stopped looking at the photos. My heart couldn't take it anymore. I didn't want to get hurt like that again. I think it's better not to have any more relationships. What was the biological reason for falling in love anyway? Does it really help our survival? If it's a partner we're searching for to survive, why can't we do it without loving? We can just live together like two strangers and reproduce. I don't even have to learn his name. We can sleep in separate rooms and not utter a word to each other. Hell, why stop there? Let's go with one night stands. The whole point of living is to populate the Earth. Just impregnate me and be on your way. I just need the sexual gratification. Line up and spend a night with me. I don't want to feel anything. I just want the pain to go away.
Lying in the dark looking up at the ceiling in my bed feels comforting. I shouldn't be so hard on relationships; they're not all bad.There are good aspects to it. There are cute moments and loving times. I loved all the romantic gestures that he did for me. He was more creative each time. It wasn't the standard flowers or love letters. He'd drive all the way to my job and be waiting in my office for me. There was one time where my car broke down, so he had to drive me to work. I thought he was heading to my job, but he got off at the airport exit. I asked him what he was doing. He surprised me with tickets to London. We had always talked about going. He surprised me further by telling me that he already talked to my boss and she was cool with it.
Smiling to myself, I knew I shouldn't only think of the good aspects. Thinking about it now, there were many hints that I missed. I think our relationship was going downhill and I didn't realize it. We have the annoying tendency to believe the best in all situations. We truly are blinded by love; or things we like to call love. Think of it more like infatuation. The littlest moments can be the biggest. I didn't think anything of it when he held my hand less or when he told me he loved me with less frequency. I should have seen these things, but I am simply a human being. Maybe we just aren't built for relationships. Love really is a fool's task.