It's not as if I haven't been told I'm crazy before. Heck, it's not as if I haven't been told I'm crazy today. Call it hereditary, but crazy is my middle name. Really it is. God love her, but mom has a weird sense of humor. It 's just that I may, just may, be starting to believe the crazy rumors.
This belief that I am indeed going insane started when Perro Loco, my chihuahua, whispered in a distinctly Spanish voice "Don't do it, dude!".
"They're my chips and I will double-dip if I want to, so there!" escaped from my lips before I realized the voice to which I was reacting came from Perro Loco. By the time I realized it, I also had my tongue stuck out at him. So there I sat, talking back to my dog with my tongue stuck out at him. A paragon of sanity, huh?
"You can speak?", I said, stunned and a bit embarrassed.
"Well, duh. You are kinda slow today." Perro Loco said with more than a touch of indignity. For a tiny dog, he has a big-dog attitude.
"Why haven't you spoken to me before?" I asked.
"Remember when you were late for work that day and couldn't find your car keys? You heard a voice stating they were in the sofa. Did you honestly believe that voice came from your crazy head?"
Oh, great. Even Perro Loco thinks I'm crazy. I must really, really be wacky.
"Dude, now that you know I can talk, why don't you listen to me? I'm not as dumb as you think . Just because I don't have opposable thumbs doesn't mean I don't have a brain. I am quite intelligent, as opposed to you. I mean, really. You talk to yourself way too often and you actually stuck a knife into the toaster while it was operating. By the way, your expression afterward was hilarious."
He had me there. I did stick that knife in the toaster to retrieve that bit of bagel, and more than likely the resulting expression was probably hilarious.
What else did he know about me that I had assumed a dog was too stupid to catch me doing or, even worse, remember?
"Dude, I know what you are thinking. Your secrets are safe with me."
First he can talk. Now he can read my mind. I must really be going insane.
"No, I cannot read minds. I can talk to humans. All of the animal kingdom can. Most humans won't, can't, wrap their minds around this simple fact. If they could, the world would be a glorious place."
My head was spinning. I had to lie down for a moment.
"Dude, you look pale. Why don't you rest a moment while I go get myself a cervasa."