A fictional account of Dr. Krasna's new geneticaly engineered parasites that are ment to serve various functions in the human body.


            Welcome ladies and gentlemen, my name is Dr. Paul Krasna and today my topic of discussion will be parasites. I’m sure that by mentioning the word parasites you presume that I will be talking about some new methods that help the human body eliminate the unwanted pests. This of course would make the lecture seem absurd because parasites don’t pose any threat in today’s civilized 21stcentury world. No, instead my lecture today will be about new genetically mutatedIxodida(ticks) that I engineered in my lab for the purpose of placing in the human body so as to serve various positive functions.

            In my practice of genetic engineering through controlled mutations, I have found that working with insects, or in this case arachnids, is much more simple than say working on a mammal. I produced many new species some of which are quite useful. For example, the biggest fruit of my labor, literally, is theIxodes Ren. I is an abnormally large sized tick that has a suction cup mouth instead of pincers, strong filtering gills, and a quite large rectile opening. What do you ask is so special about the description mentioned and what place can this large repulsive creature possibly have in the human body? Quite simply the organism is a large kidney. Basically the tick serves the function of a human kidney, consuming the unclean blood from the Ren Artery by attaching itself to the arterial opening with its suction cup, it then proceeds to filter the blood through its two powerful gills passing the freshly cleaned blood through to the main aorta. All of the waste collected from the blood, such as urea acid, is then digested in the tick’s stomach thus feeding it. The excrement comes out in the form of urine through the large rectum that is attached to the urinary tract.

            As you can all see the parasite is perfect for patients who need an urgent kidney transplant. Finding a compatible kidney takes years and stem cell research as of yet has not been able to grow a human kidney in artificial conditions. MyIxodes Renis the perfect substitute to solve all kidney problems. Plus, on the side note, the powerful digestive tract of the tick eliminates any possibility of urinal crystallization, thus eliminating the formation of kidney stones once and for all.


            I will be the first to admit that not all of my experiments have proved to be useful for the human body. One such case was the creation ofIxodus Phallus, a microscopic tick designed to be implanted into the vas deferens of the male genitalia as a source of birth control. The ticks were supposed to catch the sperm moving up vas deferens and devour it, much like a grizzly bear catching salmon by the stream. The experiment proved to be a failure because the ticks would not eat the sperm like intended, instead they would impregnate the sperm with their own genetic material after which they would let the sperm go and die from starvation. Now for the good part, if the sperm managed to implant itself into a female egg, the egg would receive the genetic information of the tick and the zygote would soon grow into a much larger tick quite different from the ones first produced. This newly formed large tick would move up the fallopian tubes and devour most of the eggs on the ovary. The eggs, however, were not digested as food but instead once again impregnated with the new tick’s genetic material. So this new tick was using the human eggs as its own to produce its own offspring. The offspring were the original microscopic ticks, they would use their mother’s body for food as they wait for the penis to return into the vagina. When the penis does return the little ticks quickly move into the urethral opening and make their way back into the vas deferens where the cycle ends.

            I must admit that this remarkable life cycle was not of my doing but simply a product of genetic mutation that went out of control and was not detected in the by product. Such a parasite can pose a certain risk if it happened to escape the laboratory, for it can spread like a sexually transmitted disease causing infertility in women. The breeding of this organism was definitely an unsuccessful project and I don’t think I will get a Nobel Prize for it but I must admit that the life cycle of this creature was a remarkable spectacle to document.         

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