Gary pulled his car over on to the dirt shoulder. The lights shining behind him were too bright for him and he could no longer concentrate on the road ahead.
He waited for whatever it was that was throwing the bright red and blue lights to zoom past him so he could get his butt in gear and get home before his wife started giving him hell for staying out drinking again.
Looking out his rear-view mirror, he could make out that it was a car with lights on the roof that was causing the disturbance but it didn’t seem to be moving any more.
“How goddamn long is this jerk going to tail me for?” he asked his radio as he prepared to recline his chair and wait out the bright lights.
Before he could fully relax in his seat, there was a knock at the window — presumably from the owner of the car that was ruining his night.
“What?” he said through the closed window.
“Roll down your window please sir? A man yelled from the other side of the closed window.
“Turn off your lights jerk and I’ll just drive home. How about that?”
“No, that’s not a good plan. Roll down your window no sir,” the man yelled a little louder, tapping what looked like a bat on the aforementioned window as he yelled.
“Jesus H. Christ,” Gary yelled at the top of his lungs. “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, what?” he yelled while rolling down the window hurriedly.
Gary could then make out the badge of what he now discovered was a police officer.
“What did I do?”
“Get out of the car sir?” the officer demanded. “You were driving three kilometres an hour and on the wrong side of the road. I have reason to believe you are intoxicated.”
“Oh God, here we go again,” Gary muttered as he pulled himself out of the car, not needing to worry about undoing the seatbelt as he hadn’t been wearing it anyway.
He stumbled out and steadier himself with one hand on the side of his car.
“Those lights re so bright,” he said, using the other hand to shield his eyes from their brilliance. “They’re making me need to sneeze. Or pee, I can’t tell.”
“I’d ask you to show me some kind of identification sir but I see you’re not wearing any pants. Is there a reason for that?” the police officer said and then asked Gary who was not only pantsless, but unfortunately for the officer, underwearless as well.
“I thought if I took off my pants I was allowed to drive even if I had drank too much,” Gary explained with unbelievable honesty.
“Now sir, I know that you don’t think that,” the officer replied with an equal amount of forthrightness. “Really, why aren’t you wearing any clothes?”
“I’m wearing my shirt.”
“Why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“Because I didn’t want to pee in them. That’s the reason you shouldn’t drive drunk,” Gary clarified.
The officer tilted his head to one side and stared at Gary in utter disbelief.
“Because you didn’t want to pee your pants?” he asked, needing clarification.
“Yeah, and swerve off the road, possibly killing someone.”
“And taking off your pants keeps you from peeing?”
“From peeing my pants. I don’t care if I pee on the floor, look at how old that car is.”
But the officer didn’t need to look at the car. He was convinced that the man was drunk and had practically heard the confession come from his lips.
“No I don’t think that’s an acceptable reason for driving drunk sir. I’m really going to have to arrest you.”
“Should I put my pants on? I might pee if you’re going to take me in your car.”
“If you need to pee so bad just go over there in the ditch,” the officer said, getting frustrated and not wanting pee in his car.
“That doesn’t sound very legal,” Gary pointed out. “I don’t want to get in any more trouble with the law today, plus there are so many people watching I’m not sure if I could go,” he said, motioning to all the cars that were passing by.
“Get in the car,” the officer ordered Gary, no longer willing to stand out in the open with the naked man.
“But I have to pee.”
“Go on the floor.”