She couldn't see anything, were her eyes closed? She wasn't sure.
If they were then she couldn't open them; she couldn't remember how to open them.
How do we open our eyes? How do we see?
Questions began to fly through her head, each slipping from her fingerless grasp like dry sand through her fists on the Cornish beaches she remembered. She couldn't catch the questions, she couldn't stop them from flying past her line of sight darting away from her in the blink of an eye; out of sight before she had a chance to acknowledge the first word of each. Each came and disappeared continually, a never ending stream of questions filling everything within her: her bones, her blood, her organs, her entire being, too, filled with this uncertainty - this confusion.
But then one stopped.
Time froze as the questions all dropped to the floor like the flies of her mind and this one simple question stayed within arms reach from her eyes; burning into her soul like fire.
Why does he do it?
She stood still for a moment, observing the words which filled her vision in as much detail as she could. With her eyes closed, it seemed, there was little else to do.
Why does he do what?
She waited but there was no answer. No whisper in the wind; no hidden message in the subtle silence of the swaying trees..
Pausing for a moment, she brought back her last thought. Swaying trees and wind? It had finally dawned on her that she was outside and after taking a deap breath in and listening she realised it was autumn: she could smell the damp of the air and hear the scatter of the fallen leaves.
She loved autumn. She could not remember a time that her mother had not taken her to run through the piles of leaves; her mother or her 'surrogate father' (as she named him) or even, more recently, Kiran.
A smile fell across her face as she let her questions slip from her mind as she regained the knowledge of how to open her eyes and let her gaze fall on the setting around her.
She closed her eyes again for a moment, letting the red and brown fall upon her skin and dart past her with the wind as the questions had just minutes ago. Letting her lungs fill with the cool crispness of the season, she opened her eyes once again and glanced up at the sky; blue in places from the suns influence but greatly taken over by the white-grey clouds filled with clear blue tears of joy.
And then she saw him.
He was smiling at her; alone on the swing of the park she knew so well. Their park, his smile for her. But there was something different, something wrong which she didn't quite register until she took the first step towards him and once she had she just couldn't stop herself from taking more and more: getting closer and closer to the pain she feared finding.
It was the moment she reached him that she suddenly regretted every single step she had allowed herself to take.
So much blood...
"Nonononono" The words came out as a blur from her lips, moulding into one endless, near-silent note as she froze at the site of her love. She whispered it over and over to herself as she stared.
This isn't real. This can't be real.
But it was and he was there; holding himself still on their swing, in their park, smiling at her through the blood which covered him.
His grin spread.
"Eren, are you proud of me? I did it. I did it like you. Aren't you impressed? Look at it!" He offered his wrists to her, a sparkle in his eyes, "Isn't it beautiful?"
Drip, drip, drip. The noise of the red river grew louder and louder; tormenting her as she stepped backwards and shook her head.
It wasn't real. It couldn't be.