Rob settled down on the bed, and put Paddytum on his lap.  It was weird enough having a conversation with an inanimate cuddly toy, but at least the bear was facing him now.

''Paddytum...''

''Ferdinand.''

''Oh, can't I carry on calling you Paddytum?  It's difficult enough getting my head around the fact that you're talking, without having to cope with a new name as well!.''

''Hmm...  Very well.  I suppose that will be all right.''

''I was just wondering... Can Sharp talk, too?'' He pointed at a rather saggy, scruffy-looking jointed bear at the foot of the bed.

''Ah.  Well, I suppose I'd better tell you.  Sharp is dead.''

''Dead?  How?''  It occurred to Rob that it was somewhat bizarre that he should be shocked to learn of the ''death'' of something he had not considered to be alive.

''Oh, he died years ago.  Luckily, he drowned.''

''Luckily? How can it be lucky to drown?''

''Well, it was that time your mother put him in the washing machine after you were sick on him at your seventh birthday party.  I say it was lucky that he drowned, because he was spared the ordeal of the 600 rpm spin-cycle.  That would have been altogether more traumatic and distressing for the poor thing.   To be honest, Robert, I would have thrown him away years ago.  That bit of wire sticking out of his foot is dangerous.''

''Oh.  I'd forgotten that.  Was that how the wire started poking out?  Mum never knew about it, you know.''

''Yes.  You discovered it a few days after the washing machine incident.  That's when you started calling him Sharp.  He was called Tommy before that.''

''Oh yeah!  So he was.''  Despite himself, Rob was beginning to enjoy this conversation.  ''Maybe I should bury him, though, if he's dead, like you say.''

''While you're at it, Robert, you can get rid of Action Man, too.''

''What?  Is he dead too, then?''  

''Sadly, not.  It's just that I'm sick of sharing a bed with the frightful naked creature.  If he's not sticking his elbow in my eye, he's poking his toes in my.... well, I won't say where.  Why is he called Action Man, anyway?  He hasn't got any... man-bits.''

''How about Pandy?  Does he talk?  Or is he dead?''

''Panda, Not Pandy.  Yes, she does speak.   But she doesn't bother speaking to you, because you wouldn't understand Mandarin Chinese.  Tell me, Robert... just why are you hanging onto all of us soft toys anyway?''  

Rob looked at Paddytum,  Because you're my only friends?  He didn't say this, but he wondered if the telepathy worked both ways.

''Its because... It's because I thought I'd be able to pass you all onto my kids one day?''

Paddytum gave a scornful laugh.  ''Oh?  And just where do you intend to obtain these future progeny, eh, Robert?  Are they going to come down the chimney with Father Christmas?  Or will the stork perhaps bring them?''

Rob was silent.  The bear had a point.

''Robert, you are forty-one years of age.  You have not had a job since you left school.  You have never had a girlfriend...''

''Yes I have!'' Rob interrupted.  ''I've got a few, actually.''

''If you're talking about those questionable females you talk to all night in internet chatrooms, that doesn't count.    Some of them probably aren't even female.  I'm willing to bet that at least one of them is a forty-five year old police sergeant trying to catch chatroom paedophiles.''

''How dare you!'' spluttered Rob.  ''I never speak to anyone under the age of eighteen.''

''And probably, most of those eighteen to twenty year olds you speak to are forty-something bored and desperate housewives.   I wonder how disappointed they'd be to find out that the twenty-eight year old stockbroker with whom they've wasted many of the small hours chatting...''   Rob opened his mouth to protest.  '' I can see the laptop screen, Robert.   I know what you tell these women.''  Rob closed his mouth, and Paddytum continued.   ''...is a twenty-stone unemployed slob in his early forties!''

Rob muttered.  ''That's harsh, Paddytum.''

''Sometimes, harshness is what is required, Robert,'' said Paddytum, his tone somewhat gentler.  ''I want to help you.''

''You can't.'' said Rob.  ''Nobody can.  I'm a failure.  A hopeless case.   Do you know why I've never had a job, or a girlfriend, or a....life?''

''Yes, Robert.  I know exactly why.  It's because you're frightened.''

''No,'' said Rob.  ''I'm not frightened.  I'm absolutely bloody terrified.''

''Robert...'' said Paddytum.  ''Have you ever thought about the future?  Your future, I mean?''

Rob rested his head back on the pillow.  ''I try not to think about it too much.  But I tell myself that when the right girl comes along....''

''WHAT?''   This was so forceful that Rob almost swore he felt the bear move, on his lap.  ''What right girl?  Is Miss Right going to fly past your bedroom one day in a helicopter, perhaps, and take you away to her fairytale castle in Disneyland?''

''I'm just unlucky...'' said Rob quietly.

''I have news for you Robert.  You make your own luck in this world.''

''Perhaps Mum should have encouraged me more....''

''Don't you DARE blame your mother, or anyone else, for your predicament, young man.  Your poor mother spends all day, every day, waiting on you hand and foot.  And what does she get in return?  Certainly not company!''

Rob sat up.  ''I won't have that.  I help her with the housework sometimes.  I go shopping...''

''Oh, right.  You help her.'', said Paddytum, venom in every syllable.  ''You wash up the occasional mug.  You run the vacuum round every week or so. Reluctantly.  When she asks you.  Oh, and if going shopping means popping to the corner shop once in a while to stock up on family size bags of Maltesers, then yes, I suppose you do go shopping.''

Rob sighed.  ''I told you I was hopeless.''

''Robert, there is hope, if you do as I say.'' said Paddytum.  ''You're an intelligent chap.  I don't need to remind you that you left school with three good A levels.  You could have gone to University.  Your parents wanted you to go.''  He paused.  ''But that's water under the bridge.  The point I'm making is that you have the capacity to learn.  So you also have the capacity to unlearn this bad attitude you have to yourself and to life.''

Rob raised an eyebrow, cynically.  ''So, what are you saying, Paddytum?''

''Robert,'' said Paddytum, with grandeur and pride in his voice.  ''I, Ferdinand,  from this moment on, will be your mentor.''

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Yell, cry, whatever is needed - public humiliation is a fantastic motivator.

excerpt from Marius Trunkel - Agony Uncle   by Eloosive