Our Dream and our FearsMature

I'm scared. I'm worried I'll do something I'll regret. I want more than anything to catch sight of your warm smile, and to pull you close and feel the familiar wave of comfort. Then we could laugh and be us, and conquer the world because we have something to fight for. 

But I know it wont be like that. There's too much pain, too much distance. When there's pain, we lash out at those we love most and distance each other, and when there's distance it causes more pain. We get further apart, and it only makes me want to be close so much stronger. 

So I'll probably say something rash, like, "I love you, drop her because its what we both want, and the only way we can keep this relationship alive," but I couldn't say that because then you would hate me for making you break her, and she would become the one that got away because I was she shitty friend that denied you what you desired.

Or I might be so pained and so low esteem from this only deepening downward spiral that I'd say something poisonous that would hurt you, and drive two people so close further way, and give myself further reason to hate myself, and find reasons to hate you.

So I am scared as hell. I love you, and I hate us, and me, and I love me, but not her, and not you, and not us. No matter what I will feel pain, either because you're gone, or I'm leaving, or you've left with her. All I want is us. Here. Without reasons to pull away because deep down we both laugh at the comfort we will know each other decades from now, and are too close to break apart. I love you. Don't break my heart. If its a dream we both have, why can't we create it?

The End

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