I could not sleep which is not odd for Otherkin, we need it less than humans, but contrary to popular belief we do need it.
I stare up at the ceiling and give in to the thoughts swimming in the background, I give a sigh and let them come forward, and I close my eyes and remember.
Stood at the edge of the River Tigris and stare up at the sky in contempt, I close my eyes and let the breeze caress me and the power builds, I don’t use it for any conventional purpose, nothing sensible, instead I throw my head back and with all of my strength release it with a curse to the higher realms, a curse to all those who stand for Him and cast me aside .
Only when all of this power has left me do I slump, exhausted I fall to my knees and then onto my back. I wince as I land on the still open wounds sliced across my back. Adam had whipped me for more than an hour before I had managed to run and he had bid me on the wind that I never return and I silently acquiesced.
I finally let the sobs come, what had I done to deserve this? I had been made equal to him, of the same ilk and measure yet I was to serve him? I was to bow to that worm? I laugh in between sobs when I remember all the times he had forced me to lie down with him and been upset with me when food was not prepared for him.
I look up at the sky and the clouds are blurred from unshed tears, the day is harsh and hot and I wonder if I can make everything stop? Death had no concept for me then and it does not now but even in those days I wished only to fade away. The wind blows sand into my face and I cough but not wanting to move I lay very still, maybe I could lie there for an eternity, let the sands wash over me and cover me and leave me until time forgets.
“When has time ever forgotten anything?” A warm voice says. I had not heard an approach and had felt no power used near me, I jerk up and look around hurriedly suddenly panicked although I do not know what I was panicked about. I had foolishly let my thoughts be known and some idle listener had picked them up.
I look to my right and standing by the river bank is a large Angel of the higher realms. His blonde hair glistens under the sun and I can only look on as he wanders up the bank to crouch near my side. He stands tall and intimidating, large grey wings stretched to the very heavens as he watches me. I take his measure as he strides slowly towards me, his legs are clad in leather which is dyed in some way and is a curious grey, his chest is clad in a shining breastplate and I notice the large scabbard and sword strapped to his waist.
“I am Sanvii, second defender of the thirteenth battalion in the Second Realm; I’m also an overseer here on the 5th Realm.”
I don’t say anything; I only look at him and try to cover the exposed parts of myself up with tattered clothes.
“Do you fear me?” he asks, his black eyes shimmering and a queer smile twitching on his lips, this incenses me and I shake my head, no! I wasn’t afraid of a man, Angel or not!
“No!” I croak at him my mouth dry from the winds. “I’m not afraid of you, only your judgement!”
He laughs this time and my ears tingle with the sound of it, it’s clear and musical like the ringing of a bell. “Yes I have heard Adam has cast thee out Lilith, you wonder what He has in store for you?”
I grimace at his words, He, what has He ever cared for me? He sits in his realm and watches me get beaten and degraded.
“I don’t think I care anymore” I mumble, “lest the judgement be harsh or you force me to go back to him, I would rather lay down here.”
Sanvii stops to eye me with a hard steely stare yet his mouth still holds that queer smile, it is annoying.
“Well I was charged with your care, you have been having trouble, three times hence has the Higher Realms had to bring you back to Adam.”
I sneer again and look out into the distance at the waiting desert and guard my thoughts carefully whilst Sanvii carries on.
“I have been given free thought as to your benefit and to your punishment.”
My head snaps back to him and I scowl. “Punishment? I am to be punished for allowing that mangy cur to lie upon me as he wishes? To beat me and treat me as chattel?”
Sanvii frowns and shifts so he is sat next to me, his wings fold back and brush me, I turn to look at them, longing to feel the softness of the feathers and down but I dare not lest he should be angry.
“You are his Lilith, created for him, to be one with him and you must do as he asks, you are his!”
I snort in disgust and let the emotion of hate rise, it flashes in my eyes and he frowns at me then.
“I’m his? To do with as he wishes? Have I no need for hopes or desires? No need for wants or passions? Am I only to be a slave to him?”
Sanvii shakes his head and I see a great sorrow alight his features, this softens me and I look at him helplessly as he raises a hand to touch me gently on the cheek.
“It should be a partnership and joining. You were made to love him”
I laugh shakily, his hands are warm and one finger trails gently up and down my cheek making me nervous in a new way.
“But I hate him and can do nothing but hate him!” I whisper and then because of his gentleness, because I know he will not strike me for it, I let a tear trickle down my face, then another and each one he catches with a finger until he has a large drop on the end of his index finger, he holds it up to his face and looks at it carefully as it dangles as though it were a jewel before watching it drop to the dry ground.
We are silent for some time, I am watching his face and he stares at the teardrop soaked into the sand.
When he finally talks his voice is soft almost intimate and he leans into me so we are face to face his eyes on mine.
“I was given, as you know, free thought as to what to do with this situation. I find you wilful and unrepentant lying in the sand. If I were to take you back to Adam, I would only be asked to come back down to fetch you back to him would I not?”
I know he is expecting some kind of assent and I am shocked for a moment before nodding my agreement.
“So I have no choice but to banish you from Eden, you must make your life outside of that place, is that understood?”
I nod again, my eyes round as a full moon and I am looking at his lips and wondering what they taste like and then at his eyes which can be cold but are warm as the sun right now, at his long fingered gentle hands, I wonder how they would feel on my body?
“Focus Lilith” He chides fixing me once more with that stare. “You are never to return to that place, if you should you will be punished and you are to live your life well and without malice or cruelty or you will be punished.”
He looks at me sternly and his mouth is a straight hard line. “There is a colony south, south west of here, go there, by the time you reach it there will be influence on the villagers, they will welcome you.”
I nod again and he rises slowly to his feet, his wings help him regain balance so his hands never have to touch the ground and once he is up he reaches down those hands to pull me gently to my feet.
“I must leave you young one, remember all I have said and I will check on you soon, I promise.”
I shuffle shakily on my feet anxious that he should leave me. You must understand that he was only the second man I had met in my life and the first one who showed me kindness.
Sanvii seems to sense my trepidation and he reaches up a hand to cup my cheek and as I do in the future I did in the past, I lean into it and close my eyes letting his warmth flood over me. He leans into me gently not wanting to knock my wounds and I’m too afraid to turn my head to his. He whispers in my ear instead, his breath scentless and warm.
“Be well little one! Remember what I have said this day and I shall see you in three summers hence.”
He fades, I cry, alone I walk.
My eyes snap open and I look at the old fashioned alarm clock on the bed side table which reads a quarter to eight in the morning, I feel refreshed even if I only slept for three hours, it is sufficient for me and I rise slowly allowing myself to stretch slowly.
I had decided sometime last night as I tossed and turned and thought of Sanvii for whom I felt a desire, a love that stretched for a millennia but who could never replace the unshakable passion and lust evoked from me by Sammael, the only man whose will I would ever be able to bend to. But I must not think like that, I had promised I wouldn’t, I should be smarter, I have had one thousand years to grow smarter and I shall, I hope.