My bed seemed to take on a life of it's own at night. The sheets would become twisted and tangled, the pillows floating to the floor with the duvet in close competition. Darkness penetrated every corner of the room as I tried to pull the bed straight for the third time.
And, how come He gets to sleep peacefully next to me while my brain is racked with torment and accusations. His gentle snoring is the most aggrivating noise and I was filled with the desire to stuff a pillow over his face. "No stop - if you talk about those thoughts .... Remember girl when you told the Dr about wanting to light fires in the house - where did you end up that day?? Huh?? Come on you can keep up the act no-one is going to say you're insane. I'll protect you and keep you safe from the people that are out to destroy you - just do as I say."
"Oh god! Shut -up for the love of mercy I don't want to hear your damn voice. It's two in the morning and if I start to listen to you then sleep will never come and I wont be able to keep up a calm persona tomorrow."
"Nah come on girlie - you know you can't control me or what I say. We've been together for too long - I'm your secret now. We keep secrets together. Remember the trees by the river. You were very angry that day. And soo strong - I had to admire you. It took guts that action. You showed him . His face was unrecognisable by the time you finished. He wont be touching another young girl. I kept you safe then didn't I? The police never even questioned you. "
"Stop! Please, please stop. I didn't do it. You know it was you. Not me." I could feel my body shaking as I sobbed into my pillow. Oh god I have to get back in control if He wakes up I'll have to answer his questions and find a reason for crying. Crying is all I ever do. He never understands - more worried about what other people think, more worried about me being at his brothers stupid wedding and acting normal. Lowest of the low his mother said. Lowest of the low end up in mental hospitals - thats what I am - lowest of the low. I should follow her advice. Brush my hair nicely and vacuume the floors - cook a nice meal - see, then I'll feel better. I'm not the lowest ...
"Girlie, come out side, come onto the terrace, we can see the moon. Perhaps you can fly? Come on my lovely, come with me."
"Don't. Don't use that loving caring tone on me. I hate you. Be quiet. I can't hear you. You're not there."
"Yes I am sweet girl. I'm never far away anymore. I echo through your mind night and day. "
"I know how to silence you."
"Yes my lovely but you can only silence me if you silence your self.."