I know it's been a while. Sorry.
The title, sorry doesn't cut it, isn't about my saying sorry to you, its about something that happened.
Now, you don't know who around you might be on the verge of relapsing into depression, or who could be schizophrenic. Who might be suicidal? Who might be on the verge of anorexia (obviously not me, I love food)
But the point is, when a guy grabs a hose down at the ag (Agriculture) plot and turns it on and soaks you with it and then you're trying to dry yourself with paper towels and then another guy grabs your arms and locks them behind you so you can not move (do not say I have legs. When you're sitting down with your arms in a position where (if he was strong enough) could break or pop out of the shoulder joint, its hard to stand up and fucking kick everyone like I was apparently expected to. I'm not a gymnast, I never will be), its not fun.
Then another guy grabs more paper towels and ties them around your face and I managed to break some of them by biting them (the taste, thank god, is gone.) but they held my head still and tied it around my eyes and then took a photo of it.
That photo, was then sent to each one of those guys by the one that took it and then posted on Viber and I don't even know where else. But on Viber, most of the time, photos save automatically to the camera roll and so it saved to everyones camera rolls in the big group conversation that we have.
Once they let go of me because they had their photo, I was laughing and smiling. I don't think they understood that it was all fake and a cover because I felt like crying.
The worst bit?
There were about three people standing there watching and I was shouting for them to help me, help me, get these fucking creeps away from me.
They all just stood there and watched, smiling.
Not to mention, anytime I listen to music, they tell me how shitty it is and I'm fucking sick of it.
About a year ago, I liked One Direction (don't judge me) and everyone said they were shitty and gay and their music was terrible.
So now I like metalcore, metal, screamo, that kind of music (stuff happened, yeah) and two of those guys who we will actually give names now as Dickhead 1, Dickhead 2 and Dickhead 3, they say things along the lines of this:
"Don't tell me your listening to that shitty music again."
"That music pretty much forces you and influences you to cut yourself."
"That music tells you to kill yourself."
In the words of the awesome song Open Letter by The Amity Affliction:
So I rage at Dickhead 1 on Viber and tell him that what he did was wrong and he was just like:
'Ok, ok, sorry."
Sorry does not fucking cut it you stupid, brainless idiot it is no wonder you aren't in the top class.
A few days later, some random named Stanley joins our Viber group chat.
Everyones telling him to leave and everything and he's acting like he's five years old when I decide to open a new chat with just him and ask him how he's doing.
I ask him what his favourite band is and he doesn't answer so then I ask him if he likes Pierce the Veil or Bring Me The Horizon and he says 'who are they' so I post pictures and then he's just like-
"I'll call the cops on you."
Then Dickhead 1 tells me I'm only making things worse and so I say:
"You can't say that."
and he says back- 'Yes I can, because you are."
And so I say- 'All you do is make things worse'
Him- Good for you, keep your opinions to yourself because I don't care...
Idiotic brainless shit nugget.
Yes, I know.
Me- *explains what he did*
Him- Oh no, you got wet, so if you didn't like getting wet, why did you walk through the quad when it was raining at school today?
My friend- Come on guys he apologised for that already.
Me- Thats different dickhead 1 and you know it. YOu didn't apologize to my face. You don't think that would have been nice?
*pretty much explained above about the legs thing*
Me- I think you're an inconsiderate person dickhead 1 and you need to understand that I have feelings too.
Him- I'm not saying that you don't
Me- I can't stand up when I;m being held back and I was almost falling off the bench
Him- No you weren't
Me- The Fuck is wrong with you. YOu aren;t me you don't know what it felt like. Then you posted the pic on here.
Him- I deleted it straight after
*only after I raged at him and forced him to delete it*
Me- You don't even know me. You know my names, my age, the subjects I do and the music I like but you don't know what I've been through.
Me- The reason I'm such a bitch is because of that.
Him- what does that have to do with anything? That is all you seem to say- 'you don't know me'
Me- because you don't. Thats just it.
Him- but to everyone that is all you say
Me- you can't assume I'm just some normal person who can withstand your shit
Other friend- Look, what dickhead 1 did was wrong and he apologized and he hurt your feelings and he knows not to do it again and blah blah blah chill. Everyone has their differences (good speech there other friend)
Me- Just saying sorry over viber isn't an apology.
Him- OMG don't you have some cookies to eat or something?
his friend- Lol
other people- he's apologised
another person- whats done is done
other people- blah blah blah
his other friend- ok all of you shut up nothing is going to get resolved so just shut the fuck up both of you.
other people- lol his other friend got mad
his other friend- this isn't mad this is just annoyed
Me- no one realises how much I've been affected by things and I know I'm a bitch but no one ever says sorry to me properly no one ever does anything if they hurt me and no one ever asks me whats wrong (even when I'm sitting there crying, that day ('cept that one person)) when there clearly is something wrong
Other people- random stuff which has nothing to do with stuff
him- so did you ever end up taking a video of blah blah blah
other people- blah blah blah
Him- well done
blah blah blah blah blah blah
Me- Of course. No one gives a fuck about me. Does anyone else know what its like to sit in the shower wondering what it would be like if you just ended everything? wondering who would care? No its ok. Cindy's fine. Always has been she's so happy.
People- are you ok?
Him- oh, prepare to get yelled at People, just a warning.
Him- look, the reason people don't talk to you is because you don't let them in.
No shit, Sherlock.
I wonder why.
Last few times I've let people in, I've gotten hurt.
So it's no wonder I don't ever let people in anymore.
So people messaged me privately after that wondering if I was ok and yes I appreciate it. I really do.
And I told the person who guessed my secret that she was right and that was my secret.
I don't know how to explain things without letting my secret out right now and this will definitely sound confusing becasue I'm going to write it in code so it's not easily guessed because trust me it will be.
I've noticed certain people looking at *mice *yellow *want colour* *is* vent*, Trying to see *the *helium the* cas*es *cream a*re ar*es*.
Or in other words:
J'espère que quelqu'un essaie de traduire cela.
Je vais rire de vous si vous ne tentez
Sorry for the longish chapter. It sure did take a while to write.
For anyone who knows me reading this....
Tell dickhead 1 I'm not achknowledging his fucking presence until he apologizes to me.
Touching people without their consent is not right.
Society is fucked up.
I know that for a fact.