Six For Gold...

I was excited on that dull December day as I walked up the drive to the Magpie Health Spa.

The prospect of a massage by a Brad Pitt look a like loomed larger in my imagination. I wanted the glamorous millionaire lifestyle, after all, I had paid two hundred quid for this, extortionate in my opinion, enough to keep a whole village in Africa afloat for a week I inwardly calculated, and I wanted my money's worth!

I was pleasantly surprised that the silver deal also included a sauna and steam room! I hadn't noticed that in the brochure! I knew that I had loads of toxins in my body because I ate loads of cream cakes, chips, anything with lard I liked, and artificial colourings, flavourings and preservatives, salt, refined sugar, flour, and offal, (in the form of sausages and beef burgers of course,) but, non the less, no matter how well disguised, it was offal.

So, I went straight to the sauna. I'd been watching a program on the telly about the Native Americans and their use of sweat lodges for spiritual purification and for remembering and honouring the spirits of their ancestors. I wanted to remember and honour my ancestors, plus, I thought I might need some spiritual purification too.

It's often been said of me, that I must be a Gemini, because I have two very distinct sides to my personality, the worldly, and the spiritual, at times they're diametricly opposed!

In the sauna, I sat cross legged in a yogic type pose, and breathed slow and deep. I thought of my uncle Harold and his nasty skin infection, and of auntie Violet and her love of nutmeg and how she used to scavenge from the nearby tip. I was feeling, strange, transcendental almost, but, I was abruptly pulled from this "other worldliness," by the jarring sounds of female voices.

I slowly opened my eyes to see that all of the other women were on the opposite side of the room, talking about plastic fingernails and how fat they wished they weren't. I felt strangely alienated after my spiritual experience and decided to go to the steam room to get some space, plus, that was more like a native American sweat lodge too.

I settled down in the sweat lodge in the lotus position, and was just coming up to recalling my dearly beloved grandmother and the terrible bowel condition that took her, when I became uncomfortably hot.

I felt the steam on my chest, and knew that this was forcing my lungs to expell  copious amounts of phlegm. I got through sixty fags a day at that time, (I'm down to fifty now though,) and coughing up mucos was a daily ritual, as it must have been for the glamorous Hollywood film stars of old, I reflected.

It's really not everyone gets to see so intimately into the lives of the rich and famous as I was that day, I mused, as I hurled out the last gob of bronchitus from my lungs and into my, now soggy, bit of toilet roll I'd been using as a hankerchief, and thought how I was certainly ridding my body of toxins, but was I really enjoying myeslf?

Plenty of time for that I thought, as I made my way to the massage parlour, and I lay, face down, on the couch waiting for my handsome masseur, and his soothing expert hands, and I thought of my facial and manicure to follow. I'd had enough of the deep stuff by then.

My coccyx had been giving me jip since that fall down the stairs earlier in the year and I was sure that a massage would ease it.

I lay there in anticipation, I heard him come in and felt him come close. Then, I felt his strong hands kneeding my knotted muscles and I drifted off into a sensuous dream like state.

"Is that firm enough for you Sharon?" Came a strangely familiar, female voice. Her grip around my leg intensified, it felt like a boa constrictor, squeezing the very life from it's victim, and her grip got increasingly stronger, to an excrutiating degree for me.

Now I remembered the voice, it was Margaret Pollock, the girl I'd bullied mercilessly at school for years! I was gripped by fear as I felt her lift her knee and push it slowly into my lower back, the pain was so bad, I blanked out.

As I was carried out on a stretcher by two tall, muscular and handsome men, I spied seven magpies in the trees, all laughing at me it seemed, but that was probably the effects of that morphine they given me to deaden the pain.

I knew where the six for gold was coming from though, because, I intended to sue THe Magpie Health Spa for all they were worth!

But, what was the secret never to be told I wondered.

The End

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