Its hard when the darkness tries to claw its way back inside of you, when you feel like your fighting off the inevitable. Something you don't want to be is starting to manifest itself and take over. Its hard when someone coaxes you into it. you know its there, you know it can come back but you bury it because it isn't you. Its not an inherent part of your nature but it courses through your blood, its what you have been pushed to believe you are, it poisons you. The dark place. The place where people submerge their most terrifying fears, their most embarrassing memories, the ones they are ashamed to their core to admit to. To dig them up is impossible. To admit they exist is even more impossible.
I feel like im drowning in my own fear. Constantly afraid of myself, of failure and pain, but i push on. I force myself to do the most menial of tasks, i work, i eat, i sleep but i barely function as me. Only two things spark me to life, only one i can identify, one that i know is real. But ill keep that to myself till i know for sure that i can trust it. Till i know it wont slip away as soon as i whisper the words.
I breathe slowly and carefully, thinking about life and things that make me smile. im smiling now. i can smell that acrid smoke and feel the burn in my lungs but i have no care at the moment. The air is heavy and lingering. I feel relaxed. I look around and i know people are here but i just sit and listen to the sounds of the world. I shut out their voices and their games and i just listen. there isnt much that i do outside of work these days. But i like to know that other people are living their lives. i wonder if they are happy. From what i've heard, round here they seem happy enough. But they are in a caccoon. i can see it, i can feel it. They drive me mad people like this. Iv sat through hours of people mindlessly talking about their lives, ignoring me, they just sit and seem oblivious to anything bigger than themselves. But no. I cant stand people who are so wrapped up in themselves and their peers expectations. These brain dead people who want to out do each other and their friends! so i drink. I drink until i drown out their voices with the swirling vodka in my head!