Welcome back to the Actor's Studio. I, of course, am James Lupton, known only as far as I can remember for being from the Actor's Studio. Here, at the stage of one of most America's most prestigious Theatre Schools, an audience of acting students sit unaware that they've just spent $400000 for a career of dishwashing.
As always, I have acquired a successful celebrity who I will not only interview, but also look so sincerely interested in their answers that many will leave this interview hoping I don't later on peer into their window.
Young ladies and gentleman, please put your hands together for Rachel Doherty!
"Rachel, tell me, who is Rachel Doherty?"
"Well, first and foremost, I'm a wife and second I'm a parent."
"Rachel, your life has been broadcast all over the planet, how does that make you feel?"
"James, if you've seen me, you know I'm always smiling!"
The audience begins smattering applause which erupts into a small cheer.
"Tell me, what is your favourite time of day"
"Well, that could be one of many. I think one of my favourites is when my son comes home covered in mud and tramps it all over my prisitine white kitchen floor."
"You seem to really enjoy that don't you?"
"Well, really the fun is cleaning it up when I know have the right paper towels at hand. I spend a lot of time shopping for four ply towels just to make the moment right. And have you seen his little face when he comes home. How could I be mad at him for not taking his shoes off, at least by the time he reaches the living room?"
A young female audience member wearing a bandana is busily trying to wipe away tears of admiration.
"Yes. I love to get my period. Love it!"
"Really? I'm not of the, shall we say, feminine persuasion but I've always imagined that would have been one of your less favourite times"
"James! Are you kidding me? I spent most of that time, swimming dancing or running on the beach! And laughing and smiling. A lot of that!"
"Tell me about your love life"
"Me and Jack laugh a lot. Sometimes, he'll tell me he's going out for wings with the boys and I'll say, wasn't wing night last night?"
"But really him and the boys are just sneaking out to drink more Pabst. I can hear the laughing all the way to his sports car."
"About that car."
"Oh yes! It has great performance, handles curves well, and has a roomy interior. Wait, was this about my love life or the car?"
"Oh, Rebecca, you are too much. Tell me, how do you get through the day laughing?"
"Midol, Prozac and two of the finest bottles of gin I can find."
"Thank you, Rebeccah. You look terrific"
"My teeth are whiter than white!"