The Dangerous Cheese

My race were considered to be immortal - but no one was really immortal, that'd be stupid. But we didn't generally disclose the fact we had weaknesses, because that'd be even more stupid. I am risking everything by telling you these next words, so do not take them lightly. In fact, it's probably best to forget them - that's what I'd prefer. Which begs the question why I'm going to the time of telling you this in the first place, but I suppose sometimes traumatic events need to be discussed with another. After all, talking to yourself gets tiresome after a while. You always knew what you were going to say - conversation was so predictable. Also to be frank I didn't get on with myself very well so it usually ended in arguments. 

The fact is this - we are all highly allergic to cheese. I'm sure you'll agree this is a very serious issue, and is a secret that has been kept throughout the ages, ever since time began (the second time round, I mean).

What, you didn't know that this is the second attempt at a functional Universe? I imagine you will have heard of the quote, "There is a theory which states that if ever for any reason anyone discovers what exactly the Universe is for and why it is here it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another that states that this has already happened." Apparently some guy named Steve (not dead Steve, a different guy) discovered what the first Universe was all about, and basically wrecked it. I think it's fair play on the Universe's behalf - Steve shouldn't have been so damn nosey.

We can't really be sure how it happened, because... well the Universe disappeared, so there wasn't exactly any evidence. But I think someone somewhere mentioned the name Steve, so it stuck. However, we know for definite this isn't the first incarnation of the Universe, because it really is quite preposterous. It is the bird that only has one wing so flies in circles... (although come to think of it if it just had one wing it probably wouldn't fly at all...) It is the non-conformist planet that likes to orbit in the wrong direction, that likes to spin on its side and have too many moons for its own good. It is the cloud in the sky that looks like something rude. It is the anomalie in every one of your school science experiments. And it is, of course, the one Steve that prefers to be called Stevie.

But anyway, back to my original point - the toxic threat of cheese. It is not clear which cheeses are lethal. It could be all, it could only be one. But it was a form of cheese, in combination with other chemicals, that killed Steve on that fateful night a few holiday celebrations ago. And so it has become one of my duties to banish all traces of cheese to the end of time itself, where it can fall into vast clusters of black holes, wiped from existence. And then all will be well in the Universe. My mind will no longer be filled with terror every time I see a slice of cheddar hanging casually out of a hamburger. I will not sit paralysed with sheer fright when someone serves pineapple and cheese on a cocktail stick. There will not be a rising sense of dread as I see someone grating cheese on the top of my lasagne. Sure, there will be a sacrifice to be made for all of you cheese lovers out there - I am told there are many of you, but it is for the good of the Universe, for the sake of an entire species. I implore you to take this duty upon yourselves, and do something noble. Kill all cheese. Murder it, slaughter it. Do whatever you have to do to rid this terrible threat from our Universe. Please, before it's too late.

 

The End

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