I wrote this back in April. It's not about anything in particular and it's just me blabbering about nothingness. I'm not even entirely sure what type of writing this it, it's just text.
This is classified as "mature" because I used the "F" word twice.
Every day we are faced with the uncertainties of life. Choices of hair style are as important as the quality of garments, and in very little cases does anyone ever know what they shall wear the following morning. In fact, there are hardly ever things that we know for certain. What they will do however, is different. Planning is usually required and essential for a successful day, if not a successful life. Nonetheless, some days, or better yet, some things in life do not require to be planned. They will come naturally and spontaneously.
These are obsessions.
What once began as a matter less shamble of reckless lust developed into something so grand that not even a million words could define. There is very little to perceive in the sense that emotions are unknowing, and the likeliness that the lust was nothing more than an excuse for my denial of love is robust. With time, feelings were interminably multiplied as volcanic waterfalls erupted from my delicate interior, and as they flourished so did my mind and my desires. What once was a pathetic excuse for a human, a waste of breath, was now something else, something that mattered.
My expectations were nothing more than to one day meet the one that made me feel like this, the one that made me want to spend my life breathing and to live it to its best. Shortly, however, I realised how I wanted to live it and that was with you, and only with you, but how am I, or how is anyone meant to want to live their life with someone they love, knowing full well they love someone else? Jealousy filled my blood from the top of my head to the tips of my toes, and no matter how loud I screamed, I thought that the only one that would ever listen would be my pillow. Created to facilitate sleeping, it has been nothing more than something that I can grab onto during every twist and turn and shriek of self-applied pain. In fact, it’s hardly done any sleeping at all as most nights became what I would refer to as my own “little hell”, consisting of a sleepless, helpless battle with the demons inside my head. Most days it was bearable by the mere knowledge that I could see you right in front of me, and were it not for a computer screen that I would be able to reach out and acknowledge your existence and acknowledge the reason for mine.
Yet without you the unbearable battle in my mind became worse and worse, to the point where sometimes it would not just be at night. Thinking about anything exhausted me to the point where it was so useless that I began disregarding anything and everyone that bored me in an attempt of inner peace. Talking to people about silly, unimportant matters of life such as football and playing games became and still are, in fact, tedious.
And that was when I realised just how desperately in love I was, and that was when I realised the only thing I could do, apart from a pathetic attempt of a selfish, self-pitying end, to get out of this mess. I had to run.
Run, run, run.
But I cannot run. I am paralysed by the definition of a coward whose only reason for living is to breathe and to let breathe; and although I am the volatile embodiment of fear, my desire to run is just as abundant as my desire to stand tall and absorb like a photosynthetic plant that needs the Sun to survive, or otherwise they would slowly wither away. I am, just like they are, a small part of the ecosystem. Except without me it would continue, yet without them everything we know would just stop. Cease to exist.
Yet I will break, and I will cave in to your every little desire. I am yours to pleasure, yet in countless more ways than before. I am yours to indulge you in bursts of giggles and tender laughter, I am yours to make smile, the one of your many intimate perfections. I am yours for you to fly beyond the stars and above to contemplate the petty complexions of the world, and my only wish is that you would be mine as you do so.
Because to me your complexions are like an endless pit of spikes covered in the reddest of roses and the brightest of stars, and as much as I wish I wouldn’t, I will gladly dive in and submerge my trifling body into the depths of the unknown if it means that I will get an attempt at everlasting happiness.
Nothing is everlasting. Not life, not love, there is not one single thing in this world that could ever last forever. Yet there are moments in our life where we forget that we are just like food in the sense that we have expiration dates, there are moments that make you realise that there is actually a grander meaning to life than to just breathe. The moment you acknowledge that your one true wish might just come true is the exact same moment you comprehend just to what extent you are willing to make sure you get it. To me, all it took was three words which I had honestly never expected to hear enunciated in such a flawless way by such a flawless person. In that moment you and I were both infinite whilst everything else was redundant. The stars aligned as we star crossed lovers finally realised what we both wanted but could never truly have.
And just like that, run, run, running was no longer a plan; in fact it seemed more pathetic than ever. Why would you run from what you love, why should loving too much ever cause fear? Greek mythology argues that humans were originally created with four arms, four legs and a head consisting of two faces, yet Zeus feared their power and split them in two, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves. Some people spend their entire life looking for their other halves and never find them, whilst the others dedicate their life to working in fear of affection, yet I am neither of these people. I never expected to find my other half, nor did I want to as any attempts would be foolish – amidst seven billion people what are the odds? But I have found my other half, my better half, and it didn’t take any effort at all. It didn’t take searching, it didn’t take pleading or begging, it just took patience, something I didn’t even know I had in me.
Just like that, a forever didn’t seem that hard to achieve anymore. Life is worth it, just as long as the people you decide to share it with are too. Without them, there is no point, and you will just feed yourself other obsessions such as drinking or drugs, and I realised I don’t want to be like that. There’s so much more to life than breathing, and yes you may only live once but you should fucking love every last bit of it and you should fucking love every last bit of who you share it with.
That’s what obsessions do to you. They make you feel so powerless and pathetic when truly all they are doing is feeding you. I cannot deny that I wish I did not feel it, yet at the same time I would not give this up for anything in the world. I will gladly fight my demons and my fears if it means that one day you will be there at night to remind me why I fought them in the first place.