There have always been 3 aspects of my emotional life. Love, Family and Friends.
So let's say Love, Family and Friends are three hallways right there in front of me. Usually when something goes wrong I can just run back up to where I started and run to the hallway that makes me happy. Usually two of them seem bad and one of them is my happy place, other rare times 2 of them are happy and one of them seem bad and for the very first time this year I felt them all become happy all at once. Unfortunately right now, they all became bad....wait now Neutral is a better word for it.
Friends Hallway, I can't really run there too much, because I've realized I haven't really stayed there so much at all. Now I'm so unaware of almost everything. It's such a melancholic feeling when all you can do and sit there and watch your friends talk about something you don't know about. It's not their fault, it's mine. I'm having mixed feelings about this because when I run into that hallways there are two rooms. Two groups of people. And I just feel so conflicted because if I go in one room, I drift away from the other. Sometimes I just want to knock down the wall that separates them. But I can't, because they're like 2 cement blocks thick. 2 cement blocks apart. Okay, I talk way too much in metaphors.
Family Hallway, to be honest I didn't think that this would be better than the other two, ever. Lately I've been exploring this hallway and I've realized I've never really explored before. But sometimes the shouting and anger are still there. I'm going to keep my distance. I don't want to have suicidal thoughts again. And I swore to myself I would never ever have suicidal thoughts ever again.
Lastly the Love Hallway, the ever confusing and twisty hallway. Filled with secret passages I can't unlock. Some of the secret passages I've opened, some I've stumbled upon accidentally. Sometimes I wonder why these passages are closed. Am I not worthy enough to know what lies ahead? But now I understand how it must stay closed, for the time being. I must not be in a hurry to open these secret passages because in due time, they might just open. I've cried too many times in here but I've smiled here more than I've wept. This was a thrilling hallway to be in but right now I don't think I can run to it. Somehow It feels like it's under construction right now and I shouldn't be wandering inside pressing my luck or it'll all collapse down on me. I just need everything to be stable before I go inside again.
So now I'm back where I started. Unable to move toward a hall. As I try to reluctantly walk toward one, I can feel myself take a step back. I'll just sit here and wait then.