She kept reminding me she wasn't ready every time I pressed the issue of going further together, but it was hard for me to just give up. It wasn't in my nature, but it didn't appear to be in hers either.
I've got no trouble admitting this "no sex" thing was difficult for me. She seemed so like the kind of girl that could really work it. But she had said she wasn't ready. I had to keep reminding myself that she was younger; other girls would have quickly jumped into bed with me.
But not her.
Because I really, really wanted it.
So I made it a habit to bring it up in our everyday text message conversations. I always told her it was good, it was fun, she would love it. Hoping she'd change her mind if we got stuck in the moment. But things backfired. She seemed worried I would take advantage of her or something. Some past guy in middle school was a dick to her and now he's cockblocking me to the extreme.
All I could do was reassure her that I'd never hurt her, I'd never go on if she said no; that not all guys are the same. And that took effort, but it was ... mostly true.
I want to trust you.
But I don't, won't.
Because I know better. And I can hear the double meaning within your words.
I remember it clearly actually. This wasn't the first sign you'd given me to run. But I was stupid. What some would call desperate, I called bored. And you were exciting; exciting enough for me to cast aside the danger at hand and stay near you.
Even though I knew you were gonna hurt me in the end. In fact, I think subconsciously, I knew from the beginning.
But that one day is so clear to me. Now, reflecting on all that's happened. Bile rises in my throat as I remember and my stomach grumbles uneasily. You were trying to take everything off ... so you could take a picture.
We'd been alone in your bedroom as always; you on top of me since it seemed so obvious that you liked to be in control. And I'd let you have your way with that, but only that.
"Come on, just one or two," you'd said but I'd shaken my head no and you stopped asking as if you had given up the fight. I know now that was a lie. You were waiting it out. Seeing how close you could get to me. Seeing how long it took for me to trust you.
And you knew I didn't. It was obvious. Simply by the fact I'd stop you if things were going too far.
And then you'd pester me about this thing called trust. But how could real, true trust even exist between us when we're not in any kind of a real relationship? Why should I trust you with my everything, when I know you'd give me close to nothing in return?
"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within."
There was no light within you, just darkness and desire for what I'd never give you and what you were determined to get from me.