The last words of a son to his father.
I hate you. I hate how you treat me; how you look through me like I’m a glass window you don’t want to open. I wish you would see how alone I’ve been, how I’ve tried to make you proud of me, how much I’ve thrown away for the love you never showed me; including my happiness. But you’re blind to my achievements. I’m done. I’m through with trying to follow footprints too complex to twist through; like I’m in a forest, trying to follow you back to salvation, only to be lead straight down a ditch. Then you look at me, struggling in the trench as I reach for my breath, breaking my palms upon the shattered rocks, your eyes filled with fire, your words as cutting as the cold wind that begin to rip at my bare skin. The wall of stone begins to crack. Water rushes through the break. I beg for your hand, I grovel, but you squirm away, and look at me, like I’m some trash stinking on the side of the road.
I can’t swim, I’m drowning. I scream your name as I’m thrashed against the jagged rocks. You stare in disgust, you tell me I’m worthless, you scream and yell, you throw bricks and stones, till I’m deformed into a shivering whip of my former figure. A shadow, left to drown in the ditch of your expectations.
I’ve decided to stop reaching for your hand. I’ve decided instead, to reach for the gun.
The truth is dad, I wouldn’t be so mad at you if I did not love you. I wouldn’t be so torn, if my world didn’t revolve around you. I do love you dad, so come and save me. Rock me in your arms and tell me that everything’s going to be alright. Tell me that you love me. Tell me that you can make the pain go away, like you did the nightmares when I was little. Make this nightmare end. Make it stop; please.
I’ve loaded the gun dad. Where are you?
I’ve put it to my head dad. Why won’t you come?
My fingers on the trigger dad. Why don’t you love me?
I’m pressing on the trigger dad. I love you
I really love you.
I wish you loved me too.
I wish you knew how much I wanted you to love me.
I have always loved you.
I always will.
And because I love you, I hate you.