After trying to sleep for several hours, I found it to be no use. I was too stressed. I had to get it out somehow. Before, I couldn't risk and injury out there, but here...I vaguely remember being able to take out my anger on myself before and what it felt like. It was liberating even for a brief moment. Taking a knife in my hand, I stared at the blade. It was pristine and shined in the light. More of my memories came flooding back and I could understand why I'd even started this habit.
All I could think about at the moment was the feeling that would come with the pain. I slowly drew the blade across my wrist and arm, causing it to bleed. The new wounds had my attention, but the feeling never came. Pain shot through my mind and quickly died out. My mind was much too stressed to focus on it and I was about to do a lot worse to myself before I heard someone come up to the door.
“What're you doing here?” I assumed this to be Hawk's voice.
“I could ask you the same.” Our leader asked rather coldly.
There was silence there for a moment and I could feel the tension in the air again.
“You've said something, haven't you?” Black's voice was quiet.
“I don't know what you're talking about.”
“I think you do.”
“Pff. What of it? She is but another pawn and not meant to be anything else.”
“Can't you remember what you said when she joined? That we don't need soldiers in this world we're gonna create...since that's what destroyed the one before it.”
“I'm pretty sure I said that when you weren't around.”
“You've had this belief for a long time. It's one of the many reasons why we're here. I know you may not see it the way I do right now, but we need people like her.”
They continued to talk a few more minutes, but I couldn't focus as their words kept fading in and out in my mind. I glanced down at the cuts and gripped the knife again. The only somewhat positive feeling came from my twisted mind finding pleasure as my blood was strewn across the once flawless blade. It was something I couldn't explain and the pain came instantly afterwards much like I expected. I was about to do it again before the door opened and the look that was on Black's face wasn't something I could quite describe.
“What...are you doing!?” She came forward and pulled the knife from my hands.
I didn't reply because I couldn't find the words.
“Why would you do this to yourself, White?”
“I'm no good...” I replied quietly.
“That's so far from the truth.”
I hugged myself and looked away. She came in close and got me to my feet despite my many protests. I saw that her eyes were now on the cuts and there was something I could see deep in her expression. Her hands went over the wounds before she pulled back her sleeve and I saw some scars I hadn't noticed before. They were faint but told me that she might understand what I was going through.
“It's a bad habit, you know?”
“...doesn't feel like it used to.”
“Nothing's as good as we remember it. Also works the other way around with us only seeing how much we've hurt others and ourselves. You're far too hard on yourself.”
“But, I'm broken from this world...” I inched away from her touch.