How dare she mock me? What'd I ever do to her? Geez. Whatever her attitude is, she better drop it before I see her again. There was a tap at the door as I snapped out of this train of thought. Alyssa walked in, looking at my heart monitor and vitals. "Hey." I smiled and she returned the smile and responded, "Hi."
I grabbed her sleeve, tugging her towards me, "What, no kiss?" She grinned, blushing but then a look of shame. I pulled her close for a kiss but she hesitated. "What's wrong?" I asked, in dismay at her pause. She pulled away from my grip, sitting in a chair next to the bed. She rested her head in her hands in contemplation.
She looked up at me then and began, "There are a couple of things that we should think about here. I can get into trouble for this." I looked at her, curious what she had to say. "For what? Us?" I asked, trying to remain calm. "There can't be a nurse-patient relationship, its not legal." She said in further explanation.
"It never bothered you before..." My heart sped up in my chest as there was an awkward silence. "So, there's gotta be another reason behind why you're telling me this now." Alyssa opened her mouth to say something but then closed it, smiling and then reaching for my hand. "You're right. Its not about legal terms. I just... I feel like someone else deserves you more. It only feels right to let you go and stop this now."
I locked eyes with her now, feeling sick to my stomach. "Who?" I asked, not sure of who she was referring to. She smiled slightly, standing up. She bent over the bed and kissed my forehead for one last time and said, "I think you'll know." She smiled then and walked back out into the hallway. Several hours later, I still find myself pondering over the 'why' of the situation.
Why did she need to do that? Well I know why. But I don't know the back story for the 'why'. I sighed and turned on my side, blocking out what the TV was saying. A silent tear glided down my puffed up cheeks. I sniffled, wiping it away and waited for sleep to come. I felt myself grip the pillow beneath me tightly.
Frustration was obvious then as I began to get angry at the fact that I was crying. "So stupid." I lifted up and threw my pillow at the closed door, a somewhat suppressed scream of anger coming out as I did. A few moments later, the red-haired nurse that I'd envisioned over and over again in my head appeared, a solemn look on her face.
She carried a tray of my dinner contents and not seeing the pillow stumbled on it but then regained balance and set the tray down on the nightstand next to the bed. Her eyes were fixated on the tray and not on my oppressed facial expression. She continued looking down as she turned around to walk out.
Rage overwhelming me, I grabbed a juice box from the tray and didn't think, "Hey Alyssa." She turned, and the juice box pelted into her shoulder. Shock was evident and present in her face and then empathy, "I thought you cared about me!" I couldn't contain my anger anymore. But I didn't realize the glistening layer formed on her cheek as she said, "I did." and walked out.
Two words, two painful, and piercing words to show that I am wrong about this. She didn't want to , but thought it was for the better. Maybe I'd been looking at this wrong all along. Who did she mean though? With a puzzling expression on my face, I reached for the phone on the nightstand and dialed the only number I knew by heart.
"Hello?" Jade's voice rang through the earpiece. "Do you think that, um, you could come visit? I need to talk to you." Less than three minutes later, she was in my room. "Well, to be honest, I never really leave the hospital." She smiled the smile that Jade always dad and took a seat. "So, what is it?"
A few minutes after explanation, Jade said, "Usually I'd be mad cause she hurt you, but I think she has her reasons."I looked Jade in the eyes, not sure if Alyssa had told her who the person was. I bit my lip and then asked, "Have you seen Karem?" Jade said no and then explained that Karem had been moving my stuff and going through the process of setting up my new home, the Newlands' house.
"She must really want me gone then." I sighed, feeling hurt in my heart. "Jade I'm going to go to bed now," I laid down as I had done previously and said, "Do you think you could get Karem to come, please?" I asked, and Jade nodded, saying her goodbyes and then exiting. I forced my eyes closed, trying not to think about Alyssa and what she said but found it to be impossible.
My heart ached after today and I just wanted it all to go away, so I closed my eyes and let the sleep take over.