Mission #1 - Hobo

I am Lilly. I joined Nonsense, Inc. Shortly after graduation. I had been a tedious hardworking student with a stick up my rear end for as long as I remember and I was quite past due for a mental breakdown. Too much seriousness had literally eaten out any creativity and imagination I had ever had. I think the boss saw that in me, and shortly after took me under his wing and it brought on that mental breakdown a whole lot faster. It’s very difficult working with someone so embracing of nonsense and adequate insanity, and yet I am all the better for the learning experience. I no longer categorize my underwear drawer…wich is the first step of many in my ongoing pursuit of a nonsensical lifestyle. Well, second step if you count removing the previously stated stick from my anus.

I love this job, Boss and Percy (whom seems inherently wrong for this profession in my personal opinion) have been wonderful to work under… literally… under, as our desks are stacked on top of each others. My job is to follow the boss (I call him this because he says in the spirit of nonsense I shall never know his real name and just call him whatever I feel he should be named) on his missions of nonsense and mostly just take notes… wich I than have to eat because boss says it will help me “fully absorb the knowledge after my stomach acid breaks down the content into smaller more understandable pieces to be absorbed during further biological travels”.


Here’s an overview of my notes for our first mission.


Hobo…. A partially slang term for someone living in wonderfully splendid cardboard style housing. A staple character in every city, bus depot, and post-apocalyptic blockbuster movie ever made. Adorning the latest in second hand fashion and smelling slightly of moldy socks, the sent itself has the capability of selling millions if adorned by the right celebrity. Bob was our target today, he’s a particularly sour hobo devoid of passion for his present situation. Unlike his insane counterparts he remains level headed and unhappy, that we aim to change.

We arrived promptly at 8:27 in the morning outside the residence of a Mr. Bob the Bum. Dwelling located beside an orange peel in the alley way between the Saigon Noodle House and Walmart. On arriving we all unsynchronized our watches and than wished ourselves luck on our endeavors. Boss knocked on the flap of Mr. Bob’s humble domicile and commented on his lack of an interesting doorbell… a bad sign of a non-nonsensical person. Bob stirred from what I am sure was a bland and uninteresting dream and grunted something along the lines of “my box” than sat upright and broke his domicile in two and than started to swear loudly. He threw his bedding at us (the sports, and business section of the local paper… perhaps the two lease nonsensical sections) and than demanded to know what he wanted. Boss introduced us;

“I am” he paused and asked me who I thought he was today, I told him his name was Lola, he continued “I am Lola, this is my assistant Percy and my Protégé Lilly. We’re here to put nonsense back into your life.” Well as I imagined, he didn’t take it quite well.

“Are you three from some religious cult or something… coming to save my soul?” he asked after first coughing up a large amount of a black tar-like substance that reminded me vaguely of a picture of runny dinosaur feces I had once seen in a dream about the prehistoric era.

“To save your…. Why would your soul’s need saving. Have you been in a marathon? I have a pair of purple insoles if you need. Insoles… such a lovely word and yet completely horrible. They couldn’t have named it something more interesting like foot savers or jelly feet comforters” he paused to breathe (wich I have a feeling he rarely does “No, No my friend we are not from any religious sort of group. We do however worship the thought of a life filled with interesting stories and random adventures… a life well lived, and that is what we want for you. You see our job… no, our passion, is to find those in need of a perking up and do just that, remind them of all the things they adored about life before they were told life had expectations” Bob seemed utterly bewildered but Boss was satisfied.

“Okay… how are you going to go about… err… reminding me?” Bob asked.

“Simply, we ask you to spend a day with us.” Finished Boss. Bob nodded, and the mission was a step closer to complete.

We spent the day doing as Boss normally would have done, with tag-alongs or not. The only astronomically noticeable difference is now he felt the need to dictate everything he did and why he did it wich really wasn’t an explanation so much as just a string of random words inspired by his surroundings. We spent a lot of time in a diner researching “how not to be” by watching the local folk and than Boss began to conduct us with straws as we preceded to use our lunch and the nearby equipment (napkins, forks, knives, salt, pepper, and splenda packets) to re-create the Mona Lisa on our table. The waitress was rather disconcerted and promptly asked us to leave, Boss told me to take note of her frown and said “It is not often that someone will stop you from doing something nonsensical with a smile on their face, because everyone wants somewhere inside of them to just do something because they can do it… not because they need or have too. They wish they could live their life without a particular reason, and so they frown because they wish their metaphorical feet could fit in your tiny size 5 shoes.”

We than relocated to an animal shelter where we all picked out a temporary animal companion and under Bosses instruction, we began conversing with it about whatever popped into our heads. His reasoning for this; “We cannot have good conversation with those whose answers we can anticipate. We would never learn something. And since cats speak nothing but random nonsense, they make perfect conversationalists, and friends. Dogs as well, but I’m not overly fond of getting drool on my pants because the dry cleaning lady I go to is most certainly a witch and I’d rather remain un-hexed during this present moment in my life.”

The next stop was a men’s clothing store where we went to buy Bob a new attire. We purchased some colorful socks, wich double as gloves and a few polo shirts, along with a pair of teal swim trunks and an orange wind breaker. Bob didn’t seem so enthused about the particular choice of clothing, but Boss explained; “A person should never match. Matching is balance, and no life is in balance and for that matter no life should be. Balance is not peace and that is what people confuse it with. To find peace, you must first know exactly what peace is not… and peace is not matching clothes.”

Finally we ended the night in a park, watching the sun go down. We sat very still and very silent, all except Bob who kept asking what the purpose of being here was. Finally once the sun had fully set and the sky had turned to black concrete littered with little yellow star trash did Boss finally give his last piece of wisdom for the day. “Sunset, is not the day ending. Night, is just as much a part of the 26 hours” (Percy interrupted and said 24 but Boss ignored him) “that make up our day. Do not let the darkness and cold of night make you feel as though the day has truly ended. There will be day again, once the sun comes up. Just because you can see your breath now, does not mean you won’t get a tan again in the future.” Bob was silent than for quite awhile, and when he seemed to come to some sort of internal conclusion, he walked off into the distance.

Boss turned to me and said “Mission accomplished. Note the time.” It was 10:10 and than after I finished writing the past few minutes down on my clip board I looked up and Boss summarized our purpose for this mission, and for our all missions.

“Those who live lives without nonsense… inevitably fill it with sense. I have always noted, that those lives lived with sense… in the end, really make the least sense of all.” I than ate my notes, (although I had made two copies… little does he know) and we went on our separate ways home. When I got home, I made sure to smile… I threw out all my left socks so I would be forced to never have any that matched, and I turned off all the lights and acknowledged the night, and accepted it would soon be day. I crawled into bed, and the last fleeting thought to cross my mind was… I wonder what mission we will go on tomorrow.

The End

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