I'm peeling potatoes, because I am going to make some mash.
Rain splats my windows and the wind rattles my flowers against the glass. Winter is here and it is disgusting. I thankfully have no reason to go outside today. I'm peeling potatoes into a pan to boil and make mash. My awkward hands sting with the water as I pathetically scrape the skin from the potato. My mum does this i seconds, she's so quick.
I take my time, I have no choice and I am in no rush.
Tomorrow is New Years Eve.
It's sad how every New Year comes around it is supposed to bring happiness and make us all feel positive about the future, if anything it makes us more reliant on our past. All I have been able to think about is the previous years of celebration, how awful and miserable I was last new years eve that I actually begged my boss to work instead of enjoying the night with anyone I cared about.
And the year before that, well thinking of that sets a weight in my stomach and a tight feeling in my throat. I was happy and in love that year, delirious with my happiness that nothing mattered. I miss that oblivious oblivion, of love that swells in your heart and makes you fucking retarded.
Now two years on, I want to smash my younger self in the face. I blame her as if she is a separate person to me and it's all her fucking fault I am alone. And I shall be celebrating being alone, all alone. She lost herself in someone who wasn't going to stay in her life not even a year. She wasn't even worth that.
Don't get me wrong I have friends, I just don't have a man. A partner in crime I so desire. No one has come close, after having your heart squashed no one else is good enough, or worth that enormity of pain. And you think that heart ache would make you wise to your mistake and that you won't fall for any shit but no, trust me if anything it's worse. Because I am sleeping with another less significant boyfriend to fulfil my need of emptiness and boost my ego. Even though he has a girlfriend. And my guilt over that masks the fact he actually has no respect for me whatsoever and I secretly think he's fucking me to fulfil his revenge on me breaking his heart years ago. And I am pining over an ex potential lover, who left me to move across the other side of the country? Who I actually barely know at all. And works with horses...
If you are not laughing hysterically I have not explained correctly.