Scientists discuss the recent addition of two new elements to the periodic table and the impact this has on the sciency community.
The two scientists sat in their long white lab coats at their shiny metal table, each drinking Old Milwaukee from their laboratories beakers as they lamented the news they had just picked up over their ham radio.
“There should only be 112. Why are there 114? How are we supposed to remember two more?” said the bearded scientist to the non-bearded scientist who just continued to stare straight ahead at the suddenly outdated poster that hung just inside the entrance of the laboratory.
“We’ll be ok,” the non-bearded one tried to reason. “We’re scientists after all. Shouldn’t we be able to develop a loophole in our minds that will allow us to remember just two more teeny weeny words?”
But the look on his face revealed that he didn’t believe what he was saying.
“They just announced it so casually—like they were giving us the weather for the week ahead: ‘Two more elements are being added to the periodic table of elements.’”
The scientist both took another gulp from their beer beakers before looking at the poster once again and imaging how different it was going to look with two more squares and two more acronyms added to the back end.”
“I don’t even know how they came up with the two elements. You’d think that since nearly half of the elements on there already are completely made up to make anyone who can recite them all sound so much smarter, there’d be no need to add anything else.”
“Darmstadtium? Ununseptium? Those are just bullshit elements as is. How is adding Ketchup and marshmallow spread as individual elements going to make us look any smarter?”
“Could they maybe add some –iumniums or –radiites ont the end of the words so people have to at least think twice before they start reciting the table?”
“And why are they at the end of the elements? That’s normally where we like to trip up the so-called non-scientist experts when they try to discredit us as nothing more than animal hating coat wearers. It’s too easy a finish now. Truly, there is no good that can come out of this.”
“You don’t suppose high school chemistry student might also have an easier time. Isn’t the recitation a prerequisite of passing a course, and basically the only way we kept perfectly intelligent people out of the ranks of scientist?”
“Boredom was indeed a major roadblock for most but high schoolers aren’t my biggest concern. My kid knows what marshmallow spread is. With that, ketchup and Oxygen already down, he’s 3/114ths as close to being a scientist as I am and he still wets his bed at night,” said the bearded scientist.
“Well I do too, so that alone isn’t a good indication of whether or not you’re a good scientist but I get your point about already knowing three elements. Next thing you know, regular people are going to start buying white coats and bringing home mice to test out their ketchup sandwiches on.”
“This isn’t good scientist 87,967,” the bearded man agreed, referring to his colleague by his given scientist name. “We’ll have to come up with more elements that refer to non-existent properties so people don’t start storming the laboratories with ideas.”
“I can just see them pouring blue liquids with orange liquids and watching the smoke rise from their test tubes and thinking they’ve found a solution to long-discussed viruses and diseases that scientist like you and I have been trying to solve for ages.”
“So you’ve tried the blue liquids with the orange liquids then?” the bearded scientist inquired. “That does sound promising.”
“Well no, we haven’t yet officially tested all the other colour combinations and we can’t sway from our scientific method in any way.”
“Oh my god, people may start conducting scientific experiments without a hypothesis,” the bearded scientist realized suddenly. “Imagine the implications of a project launched without a hypothesis.”
“I’d rather not scientist 76,879. There are very strict and rigorous guidelines in place for becoming a scientist and these two, easy-to-remember elemental additions are just flaunting them.”
“Well then, we’re just going to have to do something about that aren’t we?” the bearded scientist concluded.
“Did you come up with that solution using the scientific method?” the non-bearded scientist asked, not quite remembering whether or not they had followed procedure and aghast at the thought they had not.
“My god scientist, it’s happening already. I hadn’t even written down the problem let alone formed a hypothesis or any sort of reasonable solutions for testing it.”
“Well then get your beakers and I’ll get mine, there’s science work to do.”