‘Never smile at a crocodile’ they say, they teach it to their children, and their children’s children. ‘You can’t get friendly and talk for a while’. Did they ever think that I might want to talk? I’m really quite interesting to talk to, but they don’t even try. It does seem a little anti-social of them. Humans, they will believe anything, and they never change their opinions.

 One member of my entire species accidentally manages to eat one of them and they write us all off as savage, un-socialised beasts. How would they like it if we started teaching our young ‘never smile at a human or they’re liable to turn around and turn you into a very stylish handbag and pair of shoes’? They don’t think about that though, they just disregard our feelings, as if they think we don’t have any. Then the next thing you know some Australian bloke is poking us with sticks, turning us into some kind of entertainment for his fellow ignorant humans. No respect!

 If they ever bothered to ask they would learn that actually, they aren’t a tasty treat at all! Humans are disgusting to eat. I pity poor Frank for mistaking one for some kind of delicious morsel. He was ill for months after that. But no, they don’t ask, they just spread the very false rumour that none of us are at all civilised.

 I’ll tell you what’s un-civilised, all these humans charging around our rivers looking to steal our skin! It’s our skin for goodness sake, we actually need it! They wouldn’t like it if one day I decided, ‘today I want a human skin jacket, yes that would be nice’. Ridiculous.

 It’s not just us they’ve written off either. The piranha, a perfectly friendly, peaceful species of fish. The humans invade their territory, kill some of them, and stomp all over their homes. Then they wonder why the piranhas drove them away! A fish has no weapons but its teeth; it’s not like they have hands or arms, so of course they bit the humans to get rid of them. It was all they could do. These humans, they never see the truth, no, all they see are savage man-eating fish.

 I have come to a conclusion about this race of so-called advanced beings. Humans are stupid.

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