How To Hunt, Trap, and Tame Monsters

Well, I'm not sure if I really understand how this works, but here I go.


How To Hunt, Trap, and Tame Monsters.

Well it's quite easy to hunt monsters depending on the species in question, since most will have a tendency to hunt humans in the first place.

While trapping is an other matter, this will vary enormously on species.

And taming will vary simply in the meaning we give it, for example some might become quite friendly and pass you the salt at dinner, while others would be considered tame simply for the fact that they haven't attacked anyone yet.

Here is a very short list of common household monsters, and how to hunt, trap and tame them.


The common house Blort, Aquamalificus Maximae, the Blort takes it's name from the sound it makes when squished. It is often found in childrens bedrooms, usually hiding under the bed or more rarely in the closet. They tend to prefer childrens bedrooms because they dislike low frequencies caused by loud snoring.This is not a very dangerous monster, though prolonged contact with its mucusy flesh will cause orange staining of the skin and tingling.

Getting rid of them is quite easy, since they eat the dead skin cells in dust, which is why they are soften found under beds, simply sweep the dust from under the bed and put it all in a large bowl willed with warm water and place the bowl under the bed in the darkest spot. In the morning you will find the monster in the bowl, it will be unable to escape because the water will have made it's mucus too thin and slippery for the monster to ooze out. For disposal, it is best to send them to your local animal shelter, they will have a rehabilitation program for them.


The Cootie, Hormonozitfulicus minor, is actually a very common household monster if there are teenagers around, yet is very hard to find and capture without proper bait. This monster is somewhat of a nuisance as it will have an effect on the developing brain, usually stronger on boys. This is due to released fumes which are neurotoxic in nature, and in very high quantities may cause an odor which is wrongly associated with sweat. Often the monster will lodge itself on sporting equipment during the night and scurry away in the morning.

Removal consists of wearing a gym sock continuously for a week and cutting off a one inch by one inch square and pinning this onto an ordinary mousetrap. Usually the monster will have been trapped by morning. For those who do not wish to harm monsters, simply use a mouse trap that features a closing chamber, and hand them to your local animal shelter.

WARNING! Should not be handled by men, since the monster will literally poison the air in the immediate vicinity if stressed. In general men will become somewhat crazed and they will no longer be thinking of the monster, which usually results in it escaping.


The Air duct monster, often called "John the Ghost" Aeroprolificus Poltergastricia, is called so due to the fact that it lives in air ducts and feeds on the air flow, and when it swallows too much air it first releases air from the bloated stomach by burping which creates a sound similar to "Ay-mm" which is then quickly followed by the expulsion of gas from the intestinal ending which creates a sound similar to "Juhonnn-n-n" hence it was thought to be a ghost saying "I'm John". Interestingly, if there isn't enough air flow, it can survive nicely by feeding on duct-tape, though it is thought this to be less tasteful to the monster. It is also one of the very few lighter-than-air living creatures, and it achieves this feat by the retention of methane gas in a sac located on it's back. Though this is a harmless monster, it can be a nuisance, especially during mating season where it will intentionally ingest too much air and make "I'm John" calls during the night to the risk of suffocating itself.

To remove this monster it is necessary to purge the air system with laughing gas (please consult a professional to do this), this will cause it to laugh, making it lose it's grip on the side walls, and drift until it reaches a duct opening, at which point it is easy to capture with a butterfly net, again this monster should be sent to your local animal shelter where they will administer pure oxygen to it so that it may stop laughing.

WARNING! Do not attempt to remove it or get rid of it by use of an open flame, this may cause the methane filled sac to explode leading to serious injury.

The End

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