How to P-ss Off A Cat

1. The most effective way to do this is to ensure that you have young children.  If you do not have these already, they are relatively easy to obtain, but you may have to wait a few months.  (You may wish to adopt.  Or you could borrow a nephew or niece occasionally.)  As they grow, they are guaranteed to torment cat, in the following ways:

    a) Pull cat's tail

     b) Dress cat in princess/fairy/pirate costume

     c) Put cat in toy pram/stroller/car and wheel it around.

     d) Put cat in doll's house.

     e) Put cat in cupboards/closets/boxes.

      f)  Decorate cat with fingerpaint/glitter/stickers/food.

      g) Squirt water pistol/ at cat.

     h) Pick cat up at every opportunity and carry it around all day, tucked under arm in a tight grip, declaring "Cleo is my bestest friend".

Other methods:

2. Get a dog

3. Keep small rodents (gerbils, hamsters, mice) and ensure that they are on permanent view to cat them but that it has no access to them.

4. As 3) but with fish.

5. Hang bird feeder right outside window.

6. Make tuna sandwiches and make sure cat sees you use every last molecule of tuna.

7. Put cat on diet.

8.  Take cat along to a firework display

9.  Vacuum carpet every time cat settles down for a sleep

10.  Take cat on short car journey

11.  Take cat on a long car journey

12.  Bathe cat - see specific instructions

13. Shut bedroom door

14.  When unwrapping gifts on birthdays/anniversaries/Christmas, stick adhesive bows on cat's head.

15. Use laser pointer randomly on wall and keep turning it off.

16. Give worming tablets

17. Take cat for walks/drags on a lead/leash

18. Point at cat and laugh loudly - get family to join in

19. Keep your supply of cat litter in the freezer

20. Teach cat to "sit", "stay", "fetch".  Be persistent in your training.

The End

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