How to party like a rockstar

1. Before you even begin to think about where you're going/what you're wearing/possibly before you've even decided to party (though this should not be a conscious decision. It is a momentary action that evolves into something quite spectacular):

Consume life-threatening amounts of alcohol.


2. After consuming said alcohol and possibly after considering considering partying:

Attempt to get dressed - the less clothes the better.
Under no circumstances should you wear any form of underwear and any clothing you do put on should highlight this.
Ladies, be sure to wear heels so that big men have to help you walk.


3. After getting dressed (or not, as may be the case):

Make-up. Gender regardless, put on everything you can get your filthy little rockstar hands on. Clash colours, put lipstick on your eyelids, anything to be noticed.


4. Call up EVERYONE you know. Even your Nan:

The more people in your "entourage" the more rockstar you will seem. *


5. Hire a limo to drive you and your entourage around all night:

About half way to your destination make the driver stop by a busy car park and proceed to steal all possible motorbikes. Arrive at your destination on them.
* Collect as many random strangers on your way.


6. Upon reaching your destination and remembering you were never even considered for the guest list:

Scream at the doormen/crowd of on-lookers/club manager/anyone within hearing distance "DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!" And after being allowed in (just to stop you from causing a kerfuffle) demand free drinks for you and your entire entourage all evening as way of apology.


6. Half-way through your fifth apology drink:

Go and introduce yourself to the hottest person in the room. Brag about how rockstar you are in an attempt to seduce them. If they refuse your advances, spread sexuality rumours about them and move on to the next hottest person in the room.
Repeat until successful.


7. Whilst leaving with the hottest person willing to leave with you:

Make sure you are "snapped". If necessary, hire someone to take pictures of you and spark the interest of other possible "paps" hanging around.
Do not leave until you are one-hundred percent certain someone took a picture showing you to be without underwear.
Ladies, fall out of the door. It's a signature rockstar move.


8. After locating a very disgruntled limo-driver:

Spend the entire ride home telling your conquest just how attractive they are and that you think you love them. Ask them if they believe in love at first sight because you are very spiritual (what rockstar isn't?).


9: The next morning:

Explain to said conquest that you have a very busy day ahead of you and that you "had fun".
Tell them you will ring them but conveniently forget that you never exchanged numbers.
Usher them out the door and collapse back into bed. Rockstars need their beauty sleep.


10: When receiving an angry phone call from an agitated limo -driver:

Deny all knowledge of ever hiring a limo, all knowledge of yourself and all knowledge of the previous night’s excursions.
Hang up.
Go back to sleep. 

The End

65 comments about this story Feed