The Primer

How to Maximise Your Leisure Time

When Minding Young Kids:

TV is your friend. When they are very young (two weeks and up), hook the little urchins on commercial television. Interrupting the insipid adventures of Paddington Bear and that annoying Caillou are three sets of 36-second advertisements for urinating dolls and exploding soldiers. These ads will transfix your charges, and provide prime nod-off slices of leisure time.

When Minding Older Kids:

As they reach the age of ten, have them watch hours of recorded Teletubbies. This will first perplex and then stupefy them, affording you the chance at long naps, replete with happy sighs.

(Note: Under the influence, this may not work, since you will stupidly watch and wonder if the Teletubbies are aliens, and why there are so many bunnies hopping about.)

When at Job Interviews:

Offer twenty-one page CV's which include quotes from your Grade One teacher (example: 'Olius hardly ever coloured outside the lines in the three years he was with us') and monthly weight charts. Grab happy shut-eye or roll a bong while the suit reads your 2004 high scores from the PS2 World at War game.

When at Work:

a) If assigned to a group project:

At home, practice scurrying. (Between naps). Then, at the office, invest ten minutes at this gait while carrying sheaves of paper and looking worried, as if the Teletubbies have landed. Mutter sections of your CV (see above). When co-workers begin to copy your apparent zeal, return to your desk and relax.

b) if assigned to a solo project:

Quit. Immediately.

c) If left alone and ignored:

Be the Fugue. Cash your cheque every two weeks.

When Housecleaning:

Worry slightly about the unsightly stain in the toilet bowl. After all, this is responsibility; part of being an adult.  Sacrifice one thirty-six second leisurely moment to erradicate same.

Nobody's going to worry about the dust bunnies and dirty laundry as long as that stain is gone. 

Chill. 

When Stuck In Traffic:

Find the magic thirty-six seconds. Every time movement stops, lean back and hum parts of 'Staying Alive' from Saturday Night Fever. Move again. Stop. Repeat as often as necessary.

When Having Sex:

See above.

(Please note that this primer is based on incomplete data. For research purposes, please forward your own test results  to the author, keeping close attention to the time. He naps between meals.)

The End

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