How to Write a Bestseller


WARNING: The following will not result in a Man Booker Prize, Pulitzer Prize, Nobel Prize in Literature, etc. to your name. But perhaps if there were Razzie Awards for books...

Before we begin, if you fail at writing cheesy romance and scandalous murders, bestsellers are not for you. 


Female: Firstly, give your female character a “modern” name, such as Donna or Kyra, rather than Maude or Yolanda. This prevents readers from perceiving the female lead as an old lady with facial hair. Give her an attractive appearance and intelligent brain; this prevents readers from thinking she is a dumb blonde (so to speak).

Male: Any name is quite acceptable, but please note it is detrimental to the story if you put ‘Fitz’ in front of a perfectly good name. Good-looking, intelligent and cynical to cover up the softness, in simple terms, is every woman’s dream guy.


1.     Two people falling in love

2.     Murder

3.     The cheesiest kind of cheese there is

You could go for the classic rivals falling love – two leads are rival lawyers for scandalous murder case about a wife killing her husband’s mistress out of envy and the two always at each other’s throats. Their stubbornness preventing them from admitting their feelings until the very end. The very cheesy end. 

(Example of a corny closing line: "There are no laws in true love") 

Or you could go for the other classic, a variation of Romeo & Juliet; undying love – two love birds, one of them gets killed off, remaining determined to seek revenge of the ruthless murderer. Of course, along the way, the spirit of his loved one guides him magically out of his/her crazed thirst for vengeance. Another very cheesy end.

(Example of a corny closing line: "She might not be here but she's here... in my heart.) 


1.     For the sake of male readers, it is advisable you put in the occasional graphic bloody murder scene; ruthless, straightforward and unsympathetic. Plus a dirty joke here and there.

2.     If you came from a prestigious university (Harvard, Stanford, Princeton, etc.), make sure they include that in the mini author biography.

3.     Photoshop your photo (unless you’re already dazzlingly beautiful) and put the picture nice and big on the back. Just for incentive.

4.     Keep it short – no one’s bothered with a 500 page, literary valueless book.

5.     If your name is Maude or Fitz-whatever, change it.

And there you have it, a Random House bestseller publication, with non compos mentis (mostly female) fans, a crappy New York Times Review by Dwight Garner, and millions of dollars coming your way during this economically unstable period. 

The End

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