Important notice: The bathing of a cat is a hazardous activity, and should not be undertaken lightly.
I advise anyone considering it to ensure that their life insurance premiums are up to date; that they have made a Will, and that the emergency services are on standby.
Section 1: Reasons for bathing a cat
1. The cat is so dirty and smelly that she creates her own three-yard exclusion zone, and all members of your household need to wear breathing apparatus in her immediate vicinity to avoid extreme nausea. In other words, if you all have colds, you can safely leave it a few more days
2. Your cat is exceptionally beautiful and there is a chance that you will benefit financially by entering her into a Cat Show.
3. You are a masochist.
Section 2: Equipment required
three more towels (to be on the safe side)
Several changes of clothing
Band-aids (x3 boxes)
Triangular bandage (x1)
Section 3: Step-by-Step Method
1. First catch your cat. The best way to do this is to use the stealth method. Creep up on her when she is eating. Scoop her up and carry her swiftly to the bathroom, before she has a chance to realise what is happening.
2. Run the bath.
3. Run after cat, and make mental note to reverse steps 1 and 2 next time.
4. Wait several hours and repeat step one, having completed step 2.
5. Enlist help of all family members, suitably attired.
6. Close bathroom door, having stationed two armed guards outside.
7. Close bathroom window.
8. Check the temperature of the bath water. It should be comfortably warm. You are aiming for "clean cat", not "cat casserole".
9. Lower cat gently into the bath, soothing her with comforting words.
10. Look down at empty hands.
11. Look up at bathroom ceiling.
12. Gently prise cat's claws out of ceiling plaster.
13. Repeat steps 9-12 until cat is successfully immersed in water.
14. Do not put cat's head under the water. This may result in death of cat.
15. Pour a small amount of shampoo into the palm of your hand.
16. Repeat steps 11-12.
17. This time, ask a family member to hold cat while you pour shampoo
18. Family member to repeat steps 10-12.
19. Ask several family members to assist in step 17.
20. Rub shampoo into cat's fur.
21. Rinse off with shower spray and repeat steps 10-12.
22. If cat is still soapy, repeat step 21, otherwise, proceed to next step.
23. Place first ten towels on lap and wrap them around cat. After ten seconds, discard these towels and also change your trousers.
24. Repeat last step with next ten towels.
25. Repeat step 23 with final set of towels.
26. Wrap cat in remaining three towels and take her to a warm place, to cuddle her for a while. In front of a cosy fireplace, or next to a radiator is ideal. NB. Do not be tempted to dry cat off in a microwave oven. This may result in death of cat.
27. Inspect self and family members and apply band-aids as necessary.
28. Have a stiff drink and resolve never to do this again.