How to maximise your amount of leisure time


Leisure Time: conj. noun; (from the Greek Lei, meaning lazy, loafing, steinback, shiftless, and the Latin sure, meaning reliable, certain, absolute) A blissful span of calendar segments which are without requirements and/or responsibility. Examples: sleeping, staring at the moon, watching television with the sound off, rolling doobies, hot baths, writing at Protag, etc, etc.

Non-Leisure Time: yukky conj. noun; a silly lot of linear moments filled with doing dishes, walking the dog, finishing the McCumber report, idling in traffic, listening to your performance review, visiting in-laws, knotting your tie, etc, etc.

    The secret to maximizing leisure time remains one of the mysteries of our time, since the experts in the field are...well, in the field; smelling the flowers or snoozing peacefully amongst the lillies of the valley. Moreover, titillating clues to the secret can be unearthed only through the kind of non-stop, exhaustive research that leaves no leisure time at all.

    That, of course, is an impossibility; akin to discovering a cure for cancer by smoking three packs a day and skinny-dipping at the nuclear plant.

    We can, however, glean much from a speech delivered by Dr. Sally 'Surfer' Simpkins to a Leisure Time symposium at the New York School of Business in May, 2001.

    "Remember that one day has twenty-four hours," she said. "And each hour is comprised of 3,600 seconds. It follows logically that grabbing but thirty-six seconds of leisure every day will provide three extra hours of leisure time per year. Over a normal life-span, that alone translates into ten full days of yawning, scratching your belly, and contentedly working cryptic crosswords with a small buzz on.

   Imagine, then, the magic of finding EVEN MORE leisure time."

    Sadly, she felt a snooze coming on and never finished her speech.

   In 2004, however, leisure time legend Frederique 'Fugue' Fortin, a civil servant in Paris, France, let slip that leisure time is like a diamond. "For the non-leisurely, it is bought and traded in frenzy," he said. "But for us, it is simply stolen and hidden."

    The declarations of Dr. Simpkins and M. Fortin, when considered with the official World Leisure Society ( motto of If you need me, I'll be in the third cubicle on the left, provide ample data to create a primitive primer in How to Maximise Your Amount of Leisure Time.

The End

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