Ned's How-To Guide

Welcome to Ned's How-To-Guide! From the normal to the far-fetched, Ned will tell you how to do it! Badly need to get kicked out of a supermarket? The answers are here! Want advice on how to propose to your significant other? Ned will give it to you with honesty, sincerity, and straight-forward tongue and cheek.

How to...

survive when someone is about to lose it:

 

If their fists are clenched:

A. If they are pounding their fists on tables or other inanimate objects:

Hide all panes of glass. Offer them a pillow you wouldn't mind sacrificing. At last resort, hand them a stress ball and run.

B. If they are pounding their fists against others:

Find a pane of glass. Give it to them and then safely exit the building with as many survivors as you can.

C. If they are pounding their fists on you:

Poke them in the eye and run. Any hulk like violence will result in harder fists. But running without violence will make you the prey. If you poke them in the eye they will be hurt, confused, and shocked, and may have trouble seeing which direction you run.

If they are strangling the air:

Place an extremely cute and fluffy teddy bear in their grip. Make sure no children are watching.

If they are cursing, swearing, or otherwise crying profanities to the heavens:

Do not try to reason with them. Their vocabulary reflects their level of intelligence, and their level of intelligence reflects their level of restraint, and their level of restraint reflects your chances of survival if you were to join in any 'conversation' with them.

If they suck in a sudden breath as if attempting to steal all of your air:

Give the greatest yawn you can manage. They will be forced to do the same, thus relaxing their jaw and letting the breath out before they can use it to blow out your eardrums.

If steam is coming out of their ears:

Call a doctor. Or maybe the fire department. Or make sure you didn't eat whatever they ate.

If they are stomping across the room:

Hide excessive amounts of bubble wrap under the rug.

If they are tearing paper to shreds:

Hand them a head of cabbage and get the cooking on its way.

And finally, if they are about to overturn a table:

Throw a blanket over their head.  While the blanket is over their head, quietly and swiftly leave the room. Overturning a table is a visual effect, and they will not continue with a blanket covering their eyes. And when they realize that you have gone, they will not overturn the table without any witnesses.

 

~Problems solved~

The End

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