My Present Fixes my Past Fixes my Present

I've been wanting to tell you for a long time, but the truth is I'm afraid you will never forgive me. No, the truth is I'm afraid to acknowledge my wrongs because I'm not proud of my actions. 

I'm sorry about the way I treated you. I knew what I did was wrong, but it's too late to take it back. I can only hope one day you will understand all the silent tears I cried when you chose Ebba over me, because I deserved it. Know that I knew my wrongs as I continued my poison, and I hated myself a thousand times over for causing you so much pain. I wasn't acting out of anger. You will understand some day. 

I frequently had doubts about hating you. I remember laying in bed, thinking of your laugh. I liked how the glory still rang in my ears, and then it hit me you had that same twinkle Dylan did when I said something funny. I had never been more frightened and I handled it poorly. I'm sorry I blamed you for his deceit. I'm sorry I never gave you the chance to prove you to be decent, and not bury my heart in the ground of insults. 

For days afterwards you went out your way to impress me, and I was a coward in fear and  I ran. You blamed yourself. I let you. You wanted my understanding, and I was afraid to give you the chance because now all I could see in your eyes was him. It made me cringe inside. I thought if I created  cold exterior wall you could never touch my heart. But you pierced and melted my wall from the inside, and as it melted you left me with the realization I was hollow inside. 

The truth is my opportunity left when you did. Your motive dulled with failure, and you couldn't see from the inside I was slowly coming to trust you. I couldn't let you know because then I'd be reliant on you, and you would let me fall. I told you I would never give you the chance. 

So you let me fall. You realized I wasn't worth your efforts, and you found a girl exactly like me only better in every way. She was thinner, and blonder, and more talkative. She knew how to make jewelry and capture a guy's heart with a shy twinkling smile. Of course you would fall for a barbie. She wouldn't cause you frustration and anger and confusing pain. She would soothe you and fawn over you, and I understand why you would want something like that. 

She came to me and asked me if it was ok for her to be with him. I couldn't understand why she would ask me. She practically already had him, and what did it matter what I thought? I found out too late he was still mad for me, and wasn't willing to close the door on me until he was positive I would never give him that chance. 

It's funny how distance clears the fog from the mind, and how it was then I realized what I missed. You glowed. You were a leader, and you captured my heart. But you didn't want it. I had missed what I had. 

The odd part is I never knew you until after you stopped trying to impress me. You could hide behind his kind gestures and flirty remarks. As soon as I posed no threat, you relaxed and showed me your humor, and best friend qualities. We kept in touch a very long time. A lot longer presumably than if we had ever settled for a more intimate reserved relationship. 

I laugh at the irony today, as now I replay the same character with different surrounding actors. Once again I didn't show a fair proportion of my admiration to a guy who adored me. Again, I exploited his love and drove him to someone else. Then distance cleared the fog to see what I loved about him. And it was too late. But the difference between now and then, is I know better now. I know I pined for you for years after I lost you. But now I know I'll remain loyal, and I know not to give up. I've learned to be a better friend. I've learned to be reliable and open and a person you can trust. 

The best part about the same problems reoccurring now, is that they are still happening, and its not to late to fix my mistake. Thank you for teaching me not to run, but to face my past. Now as I look to the past, I learn not to make those same mistakes. The best past is, in fixing my future from the past, I forgive myself for messing things up with you. I replace first failures with improvements, and I realize I don't get only one chance to prove myself. Life works in strange ways. Its as if it wants me to succeed, so I'm trying again. 

The End

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