"Go die Bitc#!" The words reverberated in my skull. those 3 words from someone I barely even knew, who knew they would hurt so much? I knew sooner or later someone was going to say something like that. I just hadn't expected it from her. She had long curly blonde hair, it was draped across her shoulders. I hadn't heard that much hate behind words before. I knew I didn't belong, I just wished that no one would mention it, that they'd just let it go. But they never did.
The words stung me like a knife to the back. the words weren't the worst part, that was that nobody rebuked her words. No one defended me. I felt salty hot tears burn my eyes, I bit them back until I felt blood trickle into my mouth. I clamped my teeth down harder into my lip, trying to release the pain. it didn't work.
The bell rang harsh and cold, and I felt the pain sink deep into my skin, Scarring my memory. I turned and walked down the light halway to my next class, I was late.
Math. I watched the board as the numbers and variables danced and tripped across the board until it was barely recognizable. I gave up trying to have it make sense. I looked down ant my notebook, which was blank of all note related subjects. I saw a pair of dice intertwined with a small key chain, I had also drawn a small green dinosaur, it looked sad, but still had cheerful comical looks. Under all that I saw a word, I couldn't make out right away, forged? forkg? after staring for five minutes straight i realized it said 'Forgotten'. I had absently written it in small curly letters that were all meshed together with small delicate lines and-- "Cassandra, do you know the answer to number 34?" Jolted out of thought I tried to think fast. Mr.- what? I couldn't even remember his name. I was destined to fail this class.
"Cassandra, Do you know the answer to number 34?" He asked again, now with an agitation that wasn't there before. "umm..." I stammered. "uhh... Umm... well... umm..." finally giving up I mumbled, "I didn't get that one."
"Well, maybe," he said with a jibing tone "and just maybe, if you were paying any attention at all, you would." he said, making his final statement made me feel like the blondest kid in the school. It wasn't my fault I couldn't pay attention. I heard giggles from the back of the class, I gritted my teeth and felt my face turn red hot crimson. I slouched in my chair praying he wouldn't call on my again.
My face still red I began to draw. Once I had filled both sides of my paper with doodles and drawings I began to work on my arms. I twisted the ink up through my fingers and twined them around my arm, the finished product much like a rose vine. I had drawn patterns before, because of my A.D.D. I constantly had to distract myself or at least keep my brain occupied so that I could sit still. My arms were covered by the time math was out for lunch, and I got some strange looks from people. I self-conscientiously pulled down the dark sleeves of my hoodie so they would cover up the ink. It was comforting to have something to hide behind.
Lunch was the same as always, boring and uneventful. I had moved from my last school a month late, because of some business my mom had to fix back in Tennessee. I wasn’t used to this school, everyone here was different, they talked different, they dressed different, and somehow I just knew that I would never be like them.
I sat down at one of the tables packed with laughing girls all giggling about their favorite Tv show, I’d seen it once and it wasn’t all that interesting or funny to me. I’d looked it up on the internet because at my house we didn’t have Tv, we just watch movies. I didn’t mind it as much as the other kids at my school did that I was different. Everybody always says they want to be different, but by doing that they’re all the same. Ironic, I thought it about how by trying to be something else you end up like everyone else.
I had sat at this table before, but today something was… off. I put down my lunch and started to eat when I sensed all the girls at the table staring at me. I stopped when a girl on the right, Ashley , I think, said “aren’t you friends with Carly? Why don’t you go sit with her?” when I shook my head she tried again, “were you hanging out with lucy the other day too? You could sit with her…” Trying to be polite about it didn’t make it hurt any less. I knew what they were telling me, three words ‘go away now!’ I didn’t even know Carly, I think she was in my history class. I got up and went to the sick bay to eat my lunch.
I finished the day in a miserable state, first yesterday, and now I didn’t even have a place to eat lunch, it just kept getting better didn’t it, I thought painfully. It was awfully obvious, I didn’t have any friends here, and I wasn’t wanted here either.
Making friends wasn’t easy for me, like it was for other kids. All I’d ever learned from ‘friends’ was the more you have the more hurt you got in the end. Friends were only ‘fair weather friends’ for me, I couldn’t count on them for anything. It’s not like I didn’t want to, but I had been let down too many times in my life to trust anyone.
I finished my last class and walked outside to wait for the big yellow bus with my number on it. I had had two options when I moved to this school, since I won the lottery I could either, one get a ride every morning from home to school, and back again. Or, 2, I could live at emerald high. My mom had said it was up to me, but we both knew that we only had one car, it was just me and my mom, and she was already working two shifts at her new job trying to keep food on the table.
I shivered at the thought of living in the tall dark building that was emerald high, and not for the first time I wondered if I would ever fit in.
Bus 13 rolled in for nearly the last time, the number fit me like a glove, perfectly unlucky.
I stepped onto the cold bus, dreading the driver, she was an old woman, there wasn’t much to say about her besides the stone cold fact that she hated my guts, another thing to add to the list of worst days ever. Before she could bare her teeth at me, I slipped quickly down the aisle.
I slouched into an ice cold seat that made me gasp at first, even in the middle of winter the driver kept the ac on. I sat and shivered as gust after gust of frigid air hit my body and sent chills down my spine. I couldn’t wait for it to be over.
I was only a freshman this year, and Emerald high was the best boarding high school in the state. Or at least the richest. I’d heard many reviews from this school, surprisingly many people said it was a “nice and friendly” school, to me it was just as nice as being eaten by wolves. The only difference is, here it happens every day.
I turned up my music as loud as it would go, my eardrums aching from the noise. I didn’t usually listen to music that loud but I sensed that today wouldn’t be the last. Today I just needed to forget. The music was hard to follow as I let my mind wonder, and stared out the window looking for an answer. I didn’t find one, I wasn’t even sure I knew what I was asking either.
My stop came, and not soon enough, I hefted my book bag onto my shoulder feeling the strain of my textbooks, I had three at the moment but tomorrow I would have to add another two to my collection. I couldn’t wait to get out of there, I lugged the bag over my shoulder and made my escape.
“Is that gum?” the bus driver practically spat at me. I groaned internally when I realized I had forgotten about it. My heart sank when I thought about what awful thing she would make me do.
“You know the rules; I want 50 handwritten sentences written out by tomorrow morning.” It wasn’t as bad as I had expected, but it was bad enough, I already had other things to do, like pack. I nodded and headed to my small apartment building just down the road, that was the other reason for me to live at school. And so far I hadn’t cared at all for any of my mother’s boyfriends, not that I had any loyalty left for the man that walked out on us, I couldn’t bear calling him a father, he didn’t deserve it.
When I reached my door I pulled on the knob, it was locked. I sat outside my house feeling more than a little frustrated at the worst day in history. Ok maybe just in my life.
Finally my mother got home from work, she had forgotten to give me the spare key, which I found out later was conveniently under the doormat. I went straight to my room, not hungry enough to eat anything, today had taken my appetite.
I lay on my bed and cried for an hour, my makeup slid down my face as I rubbed at my tears. I couldn’t understand it, what had I done to deserve this? Nothing, I kept telling myself they were just rich and simpleminded, but even that didn’t break my fall. I cried and cried until my chest heaved and the sobs wouldn’t come anymore. From then on I decided I was done with crying. I lay still in my bed thinking. I had given up getting any homework done today; none of it was due just yet anyway. I got up and threw a load of wash into the washer, and began to pack.
Soon my mom knocked on my door and asked if I wanted anything, I took a quick break to order pizza; I was too tired to cook tonight. We ate in silence, I hoped she wouldn’t ask about school, but like many hopes I was sourly disappointed. “So how was school today?” I sighed and said it was fine, I relaxed after we lapsed into silence.
I got back to packing, I was only allowed two suitcases for the whole school year, we were allowed to go shopping on weekends, and we were allowed to work jobs at the school if we had a 3.4 GPA or higher.
I went to bed early, but I lay awake for hours after that, trying not to think about what tomorrow could bring, I held my breath and counted the sheep but nothing helped. I was alone and only dread was there to comfort me.